Thursday, October 30, 2014

Quiet in body, frenetic in soul

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Most of the time it's not bad, but I can feel my shoulder muscles tensing as we approach our next ultrasound and every time Cory hugs me I get teary. I keep thinking "next time we get results, I'll feel so much better!" but we keep getting thrown curveballs and I never feel as content as I thought I would. I feel like this blog has turned into a stress-fest, and I feel bad about that.

I continue to overthink any symptoms I have, don't have, or imagine, turning everything into a checklist - when was the last time my chest was sore? How many times have I peed today and is that more than usual because I'm pregnant or because I happened to drink more water than usual? Is that nausea? Nope. Was that twinge because of the pregnancy or because of the drugs and how long has it been since I had the last twinge? It's maddening but I can't stop.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Megan! I've been following your blog awhile now, and I don't think it has turned into a stress-fest and I don't think you should feel bad about it! Better to express how you feel than bottle it up, and here you have an audience that will understand and will be supportive. I won't tell you to relax and be happy and to not over-think it because that is silly and insensitive. Infertility robs us of that innocence and the happiness that accompanies it and leaves us anxious, and I think that, above all other related things, angers me the most. So I will just say that I am hoping for the best for you, and am here following you, and awaiting your next ultrasound, and every other step of your journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It means a lot to know that there are people out there rooting for me who know what it's like to be in this situation. Most of the non-IFers in my life heard I was pregnant, gushed for five minutes, and now it's business as usual and I feel like I can't dwell on it with them - they won't get it.

      Delete