And now I'm cramping a bit, and spotting. Pink last night just before I went to bed, brown this morning. More than just a teensy spot on the tissue but not quite what I'd consider a light period day. (Maybe an extra light one.) Seeing it last night was the catalyst for an epic meltdown (which was probably fueled by hormones but felt more like it was fueled by rage and despair) - my eyes are still swollen this morning.
I called the nurse this morning and she said it can be pretty common. She told me to stay hydrated and take it easy this weekend, and to call them if the spotting turned into bright red blood. I also read up a little last night and this morning on what others have experienced and most people who said they were spotting said it ended up being OK. Of course, not ALL people said it ended up being OK. Somewhere else, I read that if you see a heartbeat between 7 and 11 weeks, you have a 90% chance of success. That's pretty good odds, but I saw it at 6.5 weeks and it was measuring behind so I have no idea if I should be in that 90% group. And when you're worried and hormonal, 10% failure is a pretty big number.
It's Halloween. I ended up not really feeling like handing out candy, so I think I'm going to bring the skeleton inside when I get home from work, turn the porch light off and veg in front of a Halloween movie.
I just checked and the spotting seems to be slowing. (The cramping feels about the same - on and off, not as painful as period cramps.) I hope it's slowing for good.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Quiet in body, frenetic in soul
Waiting, waiting, waiting. Most of the time it's not bad, but I can feel my shoulder muscles tensing as we approach our next ultrasound and every time Cory hugs me I get teary. I keep thinking "next time we get results, I'll feel so much better!" but we keep getting thrown curveballs and I never feel as content as I thought I would. I feel like this blog has turned into a stress-fest, and I feel bad about that.
I continue to overthink any symptoms I have, don't have, or imagine, turning everything into a checklist - when was the last time my chest was sore? How many times have I peed today and is that more than usual because I'm pregnant or because I happened to drink more water than usual? Is that nausea? Nope. Was that twinge because of the pregnancy or because of the drugs and how long has it been since I had the last twinge? It's maddening but I can't stop.
I continue to overthink any symptoms I have, don't have, or imagine, turning everything into a checklist - when was the last time my chest was sore? How many times have I peed today and is that more than usual because I'm pregnant or because I happened to drink more water than usual? Is that nausea? Nope. Was that twinge because of the pregnancy or because of the drugs and how long has it been since I had the last twinge? It's maddening but I can't stop.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Little Blobholm
Thought I'd share the ultrasound photo from yesterday, even though there's not much to see. The black round thing is the sac, and the oval with the measurement is the fetus (measuring the fetal pole). From this angle you can't see the yolk. Or the heartbeat flicker; it's too bad photos can't show that! I was 6w 5d yesterday and you can see the fetus measured at 5w 6d - so not quite a week behind.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Nothing is ever definitive.
This morning I woke up with some cramping, jumped in the shower, jumped in the car in the darkness, and headed up for our 6.5-week ultrasound.
First, I had a blood draw to check estradiol and progesterone levels. Then after a super short wait (one of the great things about this clinic is that they tend to be ahead of schedule and I never feel rushed), the doctor was ready for the scan.
The sac (just one - no twins) was the right size for six-and-a-half weeks, and he showed us the yolk. And then he had a hard time finding the fetus. He had to fiddle around for several seconds to get it to show itself. The fetal pole measured behind, he said, and the doppler couldn't pick up the heartbeat, but he showed us the flicker of the heart on the screen so we know it's alive. He said that it's consistent with just being a young fetus (which I take to mean that it likely implanted late, and my low hCG levels corroborate that) but just to be sure he wants me to go back in next Monday and make sure it's growing. A lot can happen in just a few days, he said. He also asked his nurse to add an hCG test to my blood test, just to be sure everything looked OK.
I spent the drive home processing. I was driving, so I didn't have a chance to frantically Google what the outcome could be; I just had to be alone with my brain for awhile. We stopped by the house on the way back to work and I immediately jumped on the internet and found some forums withe people asking the same thing. And in the first several forums I read, I didn't find anyone who said it's terrible news. People said sometimes FETs take longer to implant and as such end up measuring behind for the first several weeks (which I knew already, due to my research about the low hCG levels - and could be why I'm not getting morning sickness yet - I'm just assuming though) and then they catch up after that. The only time it was bad was when there was no fetal pole and no flicker, both of which we saw. So I'm not giving up hope.
Later, the clinic called and told me my progesterone and estradiol levels looked good, but when I asked about the hCG, the nurse said "oh! It was never ordered, but we can check it really quickly and call you back!" And after an hour they called with 9059 - they said that looks fine too.
I have daydreamed about this first ultrasound for years. I played it over in my head, how I'd cry a couple of happy tears at the sound of the heartbeat and Cory and I would skip off hand-in-hand to buy a crib afterwards (or whatever) - but because the doctor was so guarded and I couldn't hear the heartbeat, I didn't get to enjoy the little flicker on the screen. I'm not blaming the doctor of course, but I wish I'd spent another second or two being happy about it. I feel like I can't catch a break in this pregnancy yet; I thought I'd get a definitive "yay, you're pregnant, bye!" or something. Not sure why - I think even with normal natural first pregnancies you don't necessarily get that.
First, I had a blood draw to check estradiol and progesterone levels. Then after a super short wait (one of the great things about this clinic is that they tend to be ahead of schedule and I never feel rushed), the doctor was ready for the scan.
The sac (just one - no twins) was the right size for six-and-a-half weeks, and he showed us the yolk. And then he had a hard time finding the fetus. He had to fiddle around for several seconds to get it to show itself. The fetal pole measured behind, he said, and the doppler couldn't pick up the heartbeat, but he showed us the flicker of the heart on the screen so we know it's alive. He said that it's consistent with just being a young fetus (which I take to mean that it likely implanted late, and my low hCG levels corroborate that) but just to be sure he wants me to go back in next Monday and make sure it's growing. A lot can happen in just a few days, he said. He also asked his nurse to add an hCG test to my blood test, just to be sure everything looked OK.
I spent the drive home processing. I was driving, so I didn't have a chance to frantically Google what the outcome could be; I just had to be alone with my brain for awhile. We stopped by the house on the way back to work and I immediately jumped on the internet and found some forums withe people asking the same thing. And in the first several forums I read, I didn't find anyone who said it's terrible news. People said sometimes FETs take longer to implant and as such end up measuring behind for the first several weeks (which I knew already, due to my research about the low hCG levels - and could be why I'm not getting morning sickness yet - I'm just assuming though) and then they catch up after that. The only time it was bad was when there was no fetal pole and no flicker, both of which we saw. So I'm not giving up hope.
Later, the clinic called and told me my progesterone and estradiol levels looked good, but when I asked about the hCG, the nurse said "oh! It was never ordered, but we can check it really quickly and call you back!" And after an hour they called with 9059 - they said that looks fine too.
I have daydreamed about this first ultrasound for years. I played it over in my head, how I'd cry a couple of happy tears at the sound of the heartbeat and Cory and I would skip off hand-in-hand to buy a crib afterwards (or whatever) - but because the doctor was so guarded and I couldn't hear the heartbeat, I didn't get to enjoy the little flicker on the screen. I'm not blaming the doctor of course, but I wish I'd spent another second or two being happy about it. I feel like I can't catch a break in this pregnancy yet; I thought I'd get a definitive "yay, you're pregnant, bye!" or something. Not sure why - I think even with normal natural first pregnancies you don't necessarily get that.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Ready for the Ultrasound
I must say, I've handled these past couple of weeks better than I thought I would. I've had my moments, including a good cry-fest yesterday, but for the most part things have been fine. A little too fine, I think sometimes - my symptoms have ebbed quite a bit and that's always in the back of my mind, but I've noticed things here and there. No nausea yet, though the past three nights in a row I've felt kind of off when I went to bed, and I'm wondering if that's the beginning of it. I've talked to a few people in the past several days who said that they didn't even know anything was happening until at least week 7, so I'm just going to be patient and let the ultrasound tell me definitively, instead of obsessing over anything I feel (or think I feel, or don't feel).
The ultrasound is tomorrow at 8:45. I'm glad it's in the morning; waiting for results all day isn't much fun. We'll see how many babies we're dealing with, and see if they have good strong heartbeats. Hopefully if all goes well I'll get an ultrasound photo to share.
The ultrasound is tomorrow at 8:45. I'm glad it's in the morning; waiting for results all day isn't much fun. We'll see how many babies we're dealing with, and see if they have good strong heartbeats. Hopefully if all goes well I'll get an ultrasound photo to share.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Hormones Galore!
I'm still not feeling tons of pregnancy symptoms (my chest is sometimes sore - like last night it woke me up briefly - and sometimes not. I have a few twinges here and there but they've seemed to decrease a little in the past several days. I'm tired only sometimes.) but the biggest one I'm dealing with is mood swings. They are completely crazy. Here are a few examples from the last few days:
1. I cried when I heard a song the other night because one of the words in the lyrics was "baby"
2. I cried when I heard the bluegrass mass my choir is going to be performing in a week and a half because I really don't like it (it's too country)
3. I cried when I started thinking about how we're going to deal with visitations immediately after the birth (divorced grandparents, etc)
But the biggest reason I've been crying is because of not feeling tons of pregnancy symptoms yet and as the ultrasound approaches I get more and more concerned. But only sometimes. Yesterday, and a few nights ago, I was way more freaked out. Today (so far) I'm content and confident. I know that at just under 6 weeks I'm not going to feel much, and not feeling things isn't indicative of anything.
I think what's going on is that my brain notices that I'm emotional, and it tries to find a logical (mostly) reason why I'm emotional. And as a result, I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing between what's a real worry and what's just hormones. So I have to remind myself: Everyone experiences pregnancy differently. Especially during EARLY pregnancy. Your hormones are talking too loudly. Everything is great. Take a deep breath.
I honestly never thought I would be this much of a worrier. I'm annoying even myself!
1. I cried when I heard a song the other night because one of the words in the lyrics was "baby"
2. I cried when I heard the bluegrass mass my choir is going to be performing in a week and a half because I really don't like it (it's too country)
3. I cried when I started thinking about how we're going to deal with visitations immediately after the birth (divorced grandparents, etc)
But the biggest reason I've been crying is because of not feeling tons of pregnancy symptoms yet and as the ultrasound approaches I get more and more concerned. But only sometimes. Yesterday, and a few nights ago, I was way more freaked out. Today (so far) I'm content and confident. I know that at just under 6 weeks I'm not going to feel much, and not feeling things isn't indicative of anything.
I think what's going on is that my brain notices that I'm emotional, and it tries to find a logical (mostly) reason why I'm emotional. And as a result, I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing between what's a real worry and what's just hormones. So I have to remind myself: Everyone experiences pregnancy differently. Especially during EARLY pregnancy. Your hormones are talking too loudly. Everything is great. Take a deep breath.
I honestly never thought I would be this much of a worrier. I'm annoying even myself!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
5 Weeks
Everything is still so surreal. I think a lot of the reason is that I still don't have super definitive symptoms. Still a bit twinge-y, and the progesterone made me purchase some prune juice, but other than that (and being a little tired, and pretty tender-chested) I'm feeling normal. I read that this week our tenants are the size of sesame seeds now, and it's fun visualizing them in there all cozy and warm and itsy-bitsy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Beta #3
I woke up this morning relatively content, but then everything kinda crashed and burned. I got to the lab and the lady that took my blood on Monday (who didn't say more than two words to me at that point, and who bruised my arm) was at the front desk. She said they didn't have a copy of the order (even though ORM said they'd faxed it last Friday and again on Monday), so I had to go in to work, wait for ORM to open, call and ask for another order to be faxed and also asked for an emailed copy so I could send it in. I'm glad that I did, because when I got back to the lab (and waited for several minutes for the front desk lady to finish chatting with her friend), she said she still hadn't gotten a fax. I told her they were going to call her and verify the fax number and she said "well, they didn't call me!" all indignantly.
Ugh. So after that morning, my anxiety got the better of me and I had a rough day. Actually, now that I've had time to process it more I think a lot of it was influenced by all the hormones having a dance party in my body. Lunch was especially hard because I didn't have to keep it together for work.
Compounding my impatience to hear the news was the fact that I needed to get up to Portland to the pharmacy and pick up the rest of my order - I had only one sharp left for the progesterone - but I needed to know if I was still pregnant so that I didn't have to drop another $400 if I wasn't. So I called ORM at 3:20 and asked if I could hear the news. No dice - the nurse that could tell me the news was talking to another patient, but the nurse I talked to said she would call me back as soon as she was done. So I went home, because I didn't want to be at work if it was bad news, and I wanted a head start on the pharmacy.
The nurse didn't call until 4:30 this time. And the news: my beta has more than doubled, to 161.8! The nurse sounded happy, and there were no "stay cautiously optimistic" and "it's appropriate but we're not bouncing off the walls" comments. Whee!
We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 27th, at 6.5 weeks. And hopefully for at least most of the time between, I hope I'm as content and relieved as I am right now.
Ugh. So after that morning, my anxiety got the better of me and I had a rough day. Actually, now that I've had time to process it more I think a lot of it was influenced by all the hormones having a dance party in my body. Lunch was especially hard because I didn't have to keep it together for work.
Compounding my impatience to hear the news was the fact that I needed to get up to Portland to the pharmacy and pick up the rest of my order - I had only one sharp left for the progesterone - but I needed to know if I was still pregnant so that I didn't have to drop another $400 if I wasn't. So I called ORM at 3:20 and asked if I could hear the news. No dice - the nurse that could tell me the news was talking to another patient, but the nurse I talked to said she would call me back as soon as she was done. So I went home, because I didn't want to be at work if it was bad news, and I wanted a head start on the pharmacy.
The nurse didn't call until 4:30 this time. And the news: my beta has more than doubled, to 161.8! The nurse sounded happy, and there were no "stay cautiously optimistic" and "it's appropriate but we're not bouncing off the walls" comments. Whee!
We have an ultrasound scheduled for October 27th, at 6.5 weeks. And hopefully for at least most of the time between, I hope I'm as content and relieved as I am right now.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Heh.
Every time I see FET written anywhere, or I mention something about my FET, the first thing I think of is "feline embryo transfer." I have no idea why.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Beta #2
The nurse called me about 1:15 - much better than last Friday! It was also lucky timing because I was sitting in the car with Cory so we both got to hear.
The nurse said that their threshold for a second beta is 40, and I'm at 56.22. She said it's appropriate, but they're not jumping off the walls or anything. I swear she said "not appropriate" and thought that was it, but Cory heard her say it was OK and the nurse reiterated when I asked. She could also tell that I wasn't thrilled about the number, and she told me to be positive, that it's good news, just not "jumping off the walls" good.
I thought that this call was going to give me a definitive feeling of relief, but it really didn't at all, probably because it was lower than I expected. I try not to compare myself to other betas but when I see them in the hundreds and I'm not even to 60... I'm still super worried. I feel like I'm walking across a slippery log over a river, and I got out past the bank but now if I fall it'll be into the water - it feels like there's so much more at stake now that I've gotten this far. I suppose I'll never stop being worried, but I was at least hoping for being content for a little while.
I don't know if these are symptoms, because I'm second-guessing everything now and who knows if it's pregnancy-related or hormone-related or whatever, but I'll list them out anyway without all that extra commentary that's running through my head and telling me I'm wrong and these are not symptoms:
* Still twinge-y. I don't notice it if I'm busy with other things, I have to listen to my body and be still for awhile, but they're there.
* It also sometimes feels like my uterus is hard. And sometimes when I sneeze or cough or stretch funny it twangs my uterus. Ow.
* My lower back is tired. Not necessarily sore, but tired.
* I'm tired too, even though I got plenty of sleep last night.
* Not "sore" breasts, per se, but sensitive - can't put much pressure on them or move them too much (like going down the stairs without a bra) or it hurts. I don't need a sports bra to sleep in or anything, they're not that bad.
* My skin is starting to break out just a teensy bit.
My homework for the next two days is to be positive and enjoy the fact that my beta doubled.
The nurse said that their threshold for a second beta is 40, and I'm at 56.22. She said it's appropriate, but they're not jumping off the walls or anything. I swear she said "not appropriate" and thought that was it, but Cory heard her say it was OK and the nurse reiterated when I asked. She could also tell that I wasn't thrilled about the number, and she told me to be positive, that it's good news, just not "jumping off the walls" good.
I thought that this call was going to give me a definitive feeling of relief, but it really didn't at all, probably because it was lower than I expected. I try not to compare myself to other betas but when I see them in the hundreds and I'm not even to 60... I'm still super worried. I feel like I'm walking across a slippery log over a river, and I got out past the bank but now if I fall it'll be into the water - it feels like there's so much more at stake now that I've gotten this far. I suppose I'll never stop being worried, but I was at least hoping for being content for a little while.
I don't know if these are symptoms, because I'm second-guessing everything now and who knows if it's pregnancy-related or hormone-related or whatever, but I'll list them out anyway without all that extra commentary that's running through my head and telling me I'm wrong and these are not symptoms:
* Still twinge-y. I don't notice it if I'm busy with other things, I have to listen to my body and be still for awhile, but they're there.
* It also sometimes feels like my uterus is hard. And sometimes when I sneeze or cough or stretch funny it twangs my uterus. Ow.
* My lower back is tired. Not necessarily sore, but tired.
* I'm tired too, even though I got plenty of sleep last night.
* Not "sore" breasts, per se, but sensitive - can't put much pressure on them or move them too much (like going down the stairs without a bra) or it hurts. I don't need a sports bra to sleep in or anything, they're not that bad.
* My skin is starting to break out just a teensy bit.
My homework for the next two days is to be positive and enjoy the fact that my beta doubled.
#Microblog Monday
Today is beta #2. I wasn't nervous until this morning, when the line for today's test wasn't darker than yesterday's. I read that doesn't necessarily mean anything but of course now I'm super worried. Guess we'll know for sure by the end of the day.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Line is Darker
This morning, for the second morning in a row as soon as I was coherent enough I smiled and thought-shouted "I'M PREGNANT!" I have to say it to myself just to try it on 'cause it still sounds so weird. But then every once in awhile I have to catch myself and say "it's not a sure thing yet, remember. Be cautious."
Still, I'm pretty optimistic. The line on today's test was darker than yesterday's test.
I'm still just so tickled that I can pee on a stick and see two lines. I think I bought a pregnancy test once, years ago when we were starting the TTC process, so it's not like I have boxes of one-liners that I've collected over the years. But still, it's a nice way to start my day. :)
I made a boo-boo yesterday. I was supposed to start the progesterone suppositories, which I did, but I thought I was taking one every evening and I actually was supposed to take three a day. So I had to catch myself up yesterday evening - luckily the instructions said that would be OK. I also didn't realize that the box I received from the doctor on transfer day was just a sample box that would get me through only two days. So I have to call tomorrow first thing and ask for a prescription. Hopefully my local pharmacy can fill it for me; otherwise it will be a drive to Portland for me tomorrow.
Still, I'm pretty optimistic. The line on today's test was darker than yesterday's test.
I'm still just so tickled that I can pee on a stick and see two lines. I think I bought a pregnancy test once, years ago when we were starting the TTC process, so it's not like I have boxes of one-liners that I've collected over the years. But still, it's a nice way to start my day. :)
I made a boo-boo yesterday. I was supposed to start the progesterone suppositories, which I did, but I thought I was taking one every evening and I actually was supposed to take three a day. So I had to catch myself up yesterday evening - luckily the instructions said that would be OK. I also didn't realize that the box I received from the doctor on transfer day was just a sample box that would get me through only two days. So I have to call tomorrow first thing and ask for a prescription. Hopefully my local pharmacy can fill it for me; otherwise it will be a drive to Portland for me tomorrow.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
The Day After
What a great evening I had yesterday. :) Not only did I get the great news about our beta, but my cat, who had run away two nights ago, came home! I thought for sure we'd never see him again - he's a very skittish guy.
I decided in order to mitigate the worry over my beta not doubling like it should, I would get some home tests and monitor over the weekend. That way I can watch the line and be ready if it starts to fade.
A friend of mine found a website that I wanted to share with any of you who happen to be in the same boat as me: The Betabase. I've seen some other lists of betas in various forums, but this one has way more data and is in a nice format. And that helps, because after looking at one forum's list of betas they had zero people who had numbers as low as me in the twins category and I thought maybe one of our blasts might not have made it. But now I know not to come to any conclusions yet (though really I know I shouldn't come to ANY conclusion until the ultrasound).
It doesn't feel real yet. That's probably good since I need to remind myself to stay cautious.
I decided in order to mitigate the worry over my beta not doubling like it should, I would get some home tests and monitor over the weekend. That way I can watch the line and be ready if it starts to fade.
It doesn't feel real yet. That's probably good since I need to remind myself to stay cautious.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Cautiously Optimistic
I made it until 3:45 until I couldn't take it anymore and called ORM with my heart pounding. I was on hold for five minutes until the machine picked up, so I hung up. I tried again 10 minutes later with the same result. And then at 4:15 I finally got the call.
I can't believe I get to write this.
It worked. I'm pregnant.
My beta is really low, though. They like to see between 20 and 50 at my clinic, and my level was 20. She said that could be because implantation happened later than expected, or that it'll be a chemical pregnancy. So she told me not to go announcing it to the world, but I should be cautiously optimistic.
Everything else looks OK; my estrogen level is 532 and they like to see it above 500; so we're continuing with the schedule for my meds.
Of course, as soon as I got off the phone and told Cory I started looking for other people online who had similar experiences with low HCG and normal pregnancies. I read that with FETs, it can take longer for implantation to happen; and also for some reason day-5 blastocysts can show lower HCG than day-3. I also read that with levels that low it might be bad news - including one person I know personally who had her beta awhile back and it was 21, and her pregnancy ended. So we're not out of the woods yet. But I certainly do feel cautiously optimistic.
I can't believe I get to write this.
It worked. I'm pregnant.
My beta is really low, though. They like to see between 20 and 50 at my clinic, and my level was 20. She said that could be because implantation happened later than expected, or that it'll be a chemical pregnancy. So she told me not to go announcing it to the world, but I should be cautiously optimistic.
Everything else looks OK; my estrogen level is 532 and they like to see it above 500; so we're continuing with the schedule for my meds.
Of course, as soon as I got off the phone and told Cory I started looking for other people online who had similar experiences with low HCG and normal pregnancies. I read that with FETs, it can take longer for implantation to happen; and also for some reason day-5 blastocysts can show lower HCG than day-3. I also read that with levels that low it might be bad news - including one person I know personally who had her beta awhile back and it was 21, and her pregnancy ended. So we're not out of the woods yet. But I certainly do feel cautiously optimistic.
The Final Seconds
Last night our skittish, raised-from-feral-kitten sweet black cat bolted out the front door right as we were getting ready to go to bed. He hasn't been outside since we got him a couple of years ago. We spent half an hour calling for him and wandering around with flashlights but couldn't find him. I've called him a few times this morning but no dice. I hope he comes home on his own. We live a block away from the highway and I really really hope he doesn't get hit.
I was third in line at the lab this morning, and waited for less than five minutes to be called. Now I'm home, waiting for The Call. I've crocheted, watched YouTube videos, worked on my Halloween costume, baked a cake, wiped down the cupboards and fridge and stove and dishwasher and counters, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, taken out the recycling, wiped down the doors... and it's only 11. I'm not expecting to hear anything until after lunch, but every time I look at the clock my stomach flips. I kind of feel like I'm watching a car hurtling towards me, in the final seconds before it wipes me out, when everything goes in slow motion. I'm frozen in this spot but I keep wishing I could step out of the way, to stop the thriller and watch a comedy instead, I didn't want kids this badly, I want kids so badly, this sucks - like my life of the last seven weeks of this FET process, the last five months of being a patient at ORM, and the last five years of being infertile is flashing before my eyes.
I was third in line at the lab this morning, and waited for less than five minutes to be called. Now I'm home, waiting for The Call. I've crocheted, watched YouTube videos, worked on my Halloween costume, baked a cake, wiped down the cupboards and fridge and stove and dishwasher and counters, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, taken out the recycling, wiped down the doors... and it's only 11. I'm not expecting to hear anything until after lunch, but every time I look at the clock my stomach flips. I kind of feel like I'm watching a car hurtling towards me, in the final seconds before it wipes me out, when everything goes in slow motion. I'm frozen in this spot but I keep wishing I could step out of the way, to stop the thriller and watch a comedy instead, I didn't want kids this badly, I want kids so badly, this sucks - like my life of the last seven weeks of this FET process, the last five months of being a patient at ORM, and the last five years of being infertile is flashing before my eyes.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Day 7
Here we are, the last night before D-Day.
It got harder and harder to concentrate today. I was optimistic and then terrified, then optimistic and then terrified. I went to yoga tonight and as soon as I took off my glasses to meditate there were tears. I barely held it together for the rest of the class, but a hug from the teacher afterwards made me fall apart, and now I'm just ready to go to bed.
Still spotting. Still optimistic. Still terrified.
It got harder and harder to concentrate today. I was optimistic and then terrified, then optimistic and then terrified. I went to yoga tonight and as soon as I took off my glasses to meditate there were tears. I barely held it together for the rest of the class, but a hug from the teacher afterwards made me fall apart, and now I'm just ready to go to bed.
Still spotting. Still optimistic. Still terrified.
Nurse Call
I called the nurse first thing this morning to inquire about the spotting. One of the first things she asked was if I'd had intercourse (which could have irritated the cervix) and of course I said no, since they told us not to until after the blood test. She said pretty much what I've read: it could be implantation spotting or it could be "leftover" blood draining out (I'm not sure if that means it would have been from irritation around the transfer time, but that's what I'm assuming). She told me to drink Gatorade for hydration and electrolytes, and that we'd know more tomorrow after the blood test. Oh, and to call again if the color changes or the flow increases or the cramping increases.
I'm really hoping it's implantation spotting. I had crazy dreams last night that all had this overlaying feeling of contentment, likely because I read about the possibility that it's implantation spotting about two seconds before I went to sleep.
I'm really hoping it's implantation spotting. I had crazy dreams last night that all had this overlaying feeling of contentment, likely because I read about the possibility that it's implantation spotting about two seconds before I went to sleep.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Update
I'm spotting. It was light pink. Looks different from my usual pre-period spotting. I immediately googled and got the spectrum of its bad news to it's good news. Light cramping now too, but they feel almost like a dull ache, not like my usual cramping. I don't remember spotting or cramping with the last two tries. I'll check again in the morning and call the nurse.
Day 6
I spent most of the day still in the meh state, and distracted myself easily with work, but in the afternoon I got a little emotional again. Still feeling twinge-y today, including one sharp pain right in the center down around my uterus that lasted a split second, but not sure if it has anything to do with anything besides progesterone. (If anyone has any insight, please share your twinge-y experiences!) I kinda feel like emotionally I've settled into a good routine of being OK as I wait, for the most part (though I still daydream about what the phone call will be like and my stomach turns when I run through the bad news option).
A friend asked me to try to explain the twinges and I'll include them here for posterity: they kinda feel like a tiny pinching inside my lower abdomen somewhere, like a teensy little muscle tightening. They happen on both sides and sometimes in the middle, and they kind of ebb and flow - I might feel several of them on the 20-minute drive in to work or just one or two all afternoon. Except for the big sharp one, that just was a sharp pain that felt totally different than the twinges. I don't remember feeling them the last two times, but I'm trying hard not to chalk it up to a pregnancy symptom because who knows. It might be a result of a different dosage of hormones or something. But of course right now I'm reading so much into any little thing. It's like when you're in middle school or high school and you have a crush on someone you keep analyzing every look, every smile, every conversation to see if you can figure out if they like you back. Except there's way more on the line so the analyzing is way more crazy-making.
Two more days.
A friend asked me to try to explain the twinges and I'll include them here for posterity: they kinda feel like a tiny pinching inside my lower abdomen somewhere, like a teensy little muscle tightening. They happen on both sides and sometimes in the middle, and they kind of ebb and flow - I might feel several of them on the 20-minute drive in to work or just one or two all afternoon. Except for the big sharp one, that just was a sharp pain that felt totally different than the twinges. I don't remember feeling them the last two times, but I'm trying hard not to chalk it up to a pregnancy symptom because who knows. It might be a result of a different dosage of hormones or something. But of course right now I'm reading so much into any little thing. It's like when you're in middle school or high school and you have a crush on someone you keep analyzing every look, every smile, every conversation to see if you can figure out if they like you back. Except there's way more on the line so the analyzing is way more crazy-making.
Two more days.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Day 5
Today I woke up feeling completely and utterly meh. It's like inside my head I've decided I'm probably not pregnant, and I don't feel anything physically or emotionally. I remember feeling this way during my first FET wait, and it was negative, but then again I felt completely confident during the fresh cycle with the same result. Partway through the afternoon I thought maybe I feel this way because it's just intuition, that somehow I just know it didn't work. But I told Cory about it and he said it's just one of those days where I'm handling it better than other days. I hope he's right. I'm the kind of person who plays scenarios over and over in my head, and on the drive home I was imagining what it might be like if the nurse called with good news, so he's probably right.
I kinda wish I had a counselor to talk to, someone with a lot of objective experience in how people handle stressful situations like this, just so they can reassure me that this stuff is normal. It has to be normal. Brains and hormones are so frustrating, and you'd think that for someone who tries to be so in tune with my body that I'd be able to be more in tune with my brain.
Three more days.
I kinda wish I had a counselor to talk to, someone with a lot of objective experience in how people handle stressful situations like this, just so they can reassure me that this stuff is normal. It has to be normal. Brains and hormones are so frustrating, and you'd think that for someone who tries to be so in tune with my body that I'd be able to be more in tune with my brain.
Three more days.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Day 4
Today was a mixed bag. I woke up from that dream this morning so content. An hour later, in the car on the way to work, I was a weepy mess. Most of the morning, I felt OK, then in the afternoon I had a panicky few moments when I frantically Googled how early a home pregnancy test. Now I'm OK again. Phew, this is one bumpy roller coaster.
In other news, I've felt twinge-y all day. Not sure if it means anything, or if it was like digesting or something. I can't tell. I almost don't want to mention it 'cause I don't want to sound silly if it's nothing.
Four more days.
In other news, I've felt twinge-y all day. Not sure if it means anything, or if it was like digesting or something. I can't tell. I almost don't want to mention it 'cause I don't want to sound silly if it's nothing.
Four more days.
#Microblog Monday
Last night I dreamed lots of random things, but the one constant through it all was that I had found out without the blood test that I was pregnant. There was no excitement or worry about the future, just contentment that I knew.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Day 3
Another quiet(isn) day.
In the morning we met Cory's aunt and uncle for breakfast. On the way I listened really hard for symptoms, but thankfully that urge went away after that. I spent most of the day vegging, again, but spent an hour or two shopping for fabric for my Halloween costume (unsuccessfully) and looking at Target's Halloween decorations. (Blah. They used to have fun stuff.) I came home with a bag of bones, and then after dinner I put together the porch.
Not such great photos, but you get the idea. The web is a little more bare-bones than I usually do, but my normal routine is the cheap stretchy bag-of-webs that, as soon as I get them looking nice, the wind ruins. So we'll see how this one holds up this year.
Keeping busy is helping. During a quiet moment I thought "I really don't want to know one way or the other. I would rather just not know. That'll be easier."
In the morning we met Cory's aunt and uncle for breakfast. On the way I listened really hard for symptoms, but thankfully that urge went away after that. I spent most of the day vegging, again, but spent an hour or two shopping for fabric for my Halloween costume (unsuccessfully) and looking at Target's Halloween decorations. (Blah. They used to have fun stuff.) I came home with a bag of bones, and then after dinner I put together the porch.
Not such great photos, but you get the idea. The web is a little more bare-bones than I usually do, but my normal routine is the cheap stretchy bag-of-webs that, as soon as I get them looking nice, the wind ruins. So we'll see how this one holds up this year.
Keeping busy is helping. During a quiet moment I thought "I really don't want to know one way or the other. I would rather just not know. That'll be easier."
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Day 2
I did much better keeping myself away from Google today - I only searched whether it was estrogen or progesterone that made one extra sensitive to smells, as I could smell Cory opening his bottle of bourbon in the other room earlier, and I could smell cat breath when Dexter yawned a few minutes ago. Somewhere in that search I read that it takes 9 days until you can trust that symptoms are a part of pregnancy, not a part of the drugs, and while I'm not sure if that's totally true it was a good reminder not to be that concerned yet.
I took it really really easy today - almost like yesterday's prescribed bed rest but upright a little more (they told me not to go more than 45 degrees yesterday so I stayed pretty flat, today I'm more reclining than lying) and moving around a teensy bit more as well. We were supposed to visit for Friday night dinner with Cory's aunt and uncle who are in town, but we rescheduled for breakfast tomorrow morning and I should be fine doing that - but after that will likely be more rest. I might as well, it's the weekend.
I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon about how my Uncertainty Insanity is looking for "omens" in things. I told her that I checked the forecast today and it's sunny all week until Friday, when it starts raining for a couple of days. Rain = tears = I'll find out Friday I'm not pregnant. She said "It's Oregon, it always rains and you love the rain. So clearly it'll be good news." She knows just how to talk to my crazy. :)
I took it really really easy today - almost like yesterday's prescribed bed rest but upright a little more (they told me not to go more than 45 degrees yesterday so I stayed pretty flat, today I'm more reclining than lying) and moving around a teensy bit more as well. We were supposed to visit for Friday night dinner with Cory's aunt and uncle who are in town, but we rescheduled for breakfast tomorrow morning and I should be fine doing that - but after that will likely be more rest. I might as well, it's the weekend.
I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon about how my Uncertainty Insanity is looking for "omens" in things. I told her that I checked the forecast today and it's sunny all week until Friday, when it starts raining for a couple of days. Rain = tears = I'll find out Friday I'm not pregnant. She said "It's Oregon, it always rains and you love the rain. So clearly it'll be good news." She knows just how to talk to my crazy. :)
Friday, October 3, 2014
Day 1
I woke up pretty content today... But I made a classic rookie mistake and let bed rest boredom take me to Google, where I looked up "IVF 2ww symptoms", immediately read "implantation spotting the first day!", noted my lack of implantation spotting, and got all sad. So dumb. I know everyone is different and searches like that are useless.
Cory had to go into work in the morning, but was home by lunch. It's been nice having him here. This weekend I hope to work at a friend's garage sale and take it easy. And also distract myself. 7 days until the test. I can do this.
Cory had to go into work in the morning, but was home by lunch. It's been nice having him here. This weekend I hope to work at a friend's garage sale and take it easy. And also distract myself. 7 days until the test. I can do this.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
A Little Pregnant
Transfer day! Eep!
I went to work for a couple of hours this morning, and was happy to see that it was pretty quiet. At 10 we started heading up to Portland, making sure we had plenty of time so we wouldn't feel rushed, which was really nice because we were able to spend about half an hour sitting outside a coffee shop and people-watching. (The people-watching is so much better in a big city than in my little town!) (I noticed ankle boots are super popular this fall. Heh.)
We went up to the waiting room 15 minutes early, and I was surprised that they ushered us back almost immediately. They gave us a little room with a bed and a chair and a window, and I changed into a gown and some paper slippers (over my lucky socks!) and started working on my liter bottle of water.
After I'd had 2/3 of my water, a nurse came in and did a quick ultrasound to see if my bladder was full enough, and it was completely empty. She suggested I try to walk around a little to get things moving, so I spent the next several minutes wearing a rut on the floor, back and forth the three paces it took from corner to corner of the room. It felt nice to get some of my nervous energy out.
Then the embryologist came in with a Valium for me and chatted about the morning she had with our potential babies. We had two straws of two embryos each. The first one that they thawed looked dark and grainy - not good at all. So they thawed the second one (our last two embryos) and they looked great, and they were ready to transfer. I asked why the first two might not survive, and she said they never know; it could be that they just weren't strong enough to survive the freeze, or that the external environment wasn't optimal. At any rate, after she left I spent a few more minutes letting that sink in - this is our last chance with this original set of embryos, and if we have to try again it has to be from scratch - the expensive kind of scratch.
A second ultrasound about 15 minutes later revealed a still-empty bladder, so I had to drink another 12 ounces of water. (I told her at that point that I knew my bladder was just a little slow - this has happened twice before - but she gave more water to me anyway.) After that, I started to feel my bladder starting to fill up and I knew it wouldn't be long now. I'm pretty sure that as my bladder took its time, though, my neighbor in the next room had her transfer time switched with mine. Sorry, doc.
A third ultrasound revealed a nice full bladder, so I waited another couple of minutes for the doctor to be ready and then they wheeled me into the transfer room. The bed they had was really cool - the middle drops out and the edges raise up and have pockets for your feet. That way you don't have to move hardly at all, and can stay flat the whole time. Anyway, the doctor inserted a speculum, cleaned the cervical mucus off my cervix, did a quick practice transfer, and then did the real transfer. As soon as the embryologist checked to make sure the embryo straw was empty, he gave me... not sure, an Endometrin (I think?) suppository, and then they put the bed back together and wheeled me back into my little room, where Cory was waiting. It was barely 10 minutes (I'm sure more like 5) for the whole thing.
Back in the room, I kind of surprised myself with the tears. I'm trying to remember the last time this happened, and I think I had maybe one tear the first time and nothing the second time. This time - I don't know, it was a combination of letting out some of the nervousness from the last few days, and knowing that this is a huge big deal because we're getting older, and these are the last embryos we have.
I had to wait for a little over half an hour, still lying flat, and I made it about halfway before I needed to use a bedpan. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to, but I tell you, you might as well be comfortable while lying in bed for half an hour after a transfer. I'm sure I said this last time, but it is REALLY hard to pee lying down.
After my lying-in period, the nurse came back in and gave us some more progesterone suppositories for use after a positive pregnancy test, and told me what to do for bed rest for the next two days. I was surprised about the length - at OHSU they only requested being still and quiet for the rest of the day after the transfer. But I'm not complaining, I'm happy to do anything I can to help these little guys along.
I went to work for a couple of hours this morning, and was happy to see that it was pretty quiet. At 10 we started heading up to Portland, making sure we had plenty of time so we wouldn't feel rushed, which was really nice because we were able to spend about half an hour sitting outside a coffee shop and people-watching. (The people-watching is so much better in a big city than in my little town!) (I noticed ankle boots are super popular this fall. Heh.)
We went up to the waiting room 15 minutes early, and I was surprised that they ushered us back almost immediately. They gave us a little room with a bed and a chair and a window, and I changed into a gown and some paper slippers (over my lucky socks!) and started working on my liter bottle of water.
After I'd had 2/3 of my water, a nurse came in and did a quick ultrasound to see if my bladder was full enough, and it was completely empty. She suggested I try to walk around a little to get things moving, so I spent the next several minutes wearing a rut on the floor, back and forth the three paces it took from corner to corner of the room. It felt nice to get some of my nervous energy out.
Then the embryologist came in with a Valium for me and chatted about the morning she had with our potential babies. We had two straws of two embryos each. The first one that they thawed looked dark and grainy - not good at all. So they thawed the second one (our last two embryos) and they looked great, and they were ready to transfer. I asked why the first two might not survive, and she said they never know; it could be that they just weren't strong enough to survive the freeze, or that the external environment wasn't optimal. At any rate, after she left I spent a few more minutes letting that sink in - this is our last chance with this original set of embryos, and if we have to try again it has to be from scratch - the expensive kind of scratch.
A second ultrasound about 15 minutes later revealed a still-empty bladder, so I had to drink another 12 ounces of water. (I told her at that point that I knew my bladder was just a little slow - this has happened twice before - but she gave more water to me anyway.) After that, I started to feel my bladder starting to fill up and I knew it wouldn't be long now. I'm pretty sure that as my bladder took its time, though, my neighbor in the next room had her transfer time switched with mine. Sorry, doc.
Back in the room, I kind of surprised myself with the tears. I'm trying to remember the last time this happened, and I think I had maybe one tear the first time and nothing the second time. This time - I don't know, it was a combination of letting out some of the nervousness from the last few days, and knowing that this is a huge big deal because we're getting older, and these are the last embryos we have.
I had to wait for a little over half an hour, still lying flat, and I made it about halfway before I needed to use a bedpan. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to, but I tell you, you might as well be comfortable while lying in bed for half an hour after a transfer. I'm sure I said this last time, but it is REALLY hard to pee lying down.
After my lying-in period, the nurse came back in and gave us some more progesterone suppositories for use after a positive pregnancy test, and told me what to do for bed rest for the next two days. I was surprised about the length - at OHSU they only requested being still and quiet for the rest of the day after the transfer. But I'm not complaining, I'm happy to do anything I can to help these little guys along.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
The Calm
Progesterone shots are still going fine, though I'm bleeding a little after them. Might be because of the low-dose aspirin. I'm back on the antibiotics this week, which upset my stomach in the mornings if I don't take them with food, but it only took one morning without breakfast for me to remember. The steroids don't make me feel any different, just dehydrated. Tomorrow is the last day for both antibiotics and steroids.
I've been trying harder to look forward with hope and positivity. It's hard, since I don't want to crash and burn if the news is bad. But I'm trying to allow myself to think past a positive test and into the near future after that. I wish it was all about making plans to go baby shopping and paint the nursery, but it's more "will the beta double? Should I wait to tell people until I'm sure, even though a lot of people already know when the test is?" Jeez, infertility really ruins our attitudes, doesn't it? :)
I wanted to say, too, that I'm so happy to have all the support here from all of you. It's valuable to have support from family and friends who don't know what it's like to be infertile, and extra special to have support from family and friends who do. I like to imagine you're woven into my calm blanket.
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