Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dread

Last night, I made the mistake of Googling miscarriages (or rather, how many days do people spot before a miscarriage). I had honorable intentions, I was hoping to see something that reassured me, but it backfired. I got too cocky; the last several times I've Googled it's been reassuring.

I tend to get my freak outs at night, right before bed. I think it's exacerbated by being tired. But I'm always just fine the next day. Except for this morning.

Last night, I dreamed (among other absurd things) that I discovered the spotting was turning red. The rest of my dreams were normal except for this pervading sense of dread. I kept checking on myself in the dream: do I feel pregnant still? I can't tell! Does that mean I'm having a miscarriage? And then this morning the dread has persisted.

Why do I do this to myself? I can review the conversations I've had with multiple doctors in my mind, the ones that said I shouldn't worry unless it's large amounts of blood and agonizing cramps. The danger of miscarriage is very very low now. See, here's the heartbeat, it sounds just fine, even though I was spotting before the Doppler. But I can refute all of those things in my head. And even the little logical part of me that's left, saying "you're being stupid. Wouldn't you rather be content? Quit overanalyzing and being dramatic" is getting the smackdown.

Friday is my next OB appointment. Hopefully I can keep myself from going nuts until then, and hopefully another Doppler will smooth all this stupid annoying dread.

3 comments:

  1. Seeing any kind of blood while you are pregnant is terrifying. It is a good thing that it's just spotting and not getting any heavier. Try to look at the positives (like you are doing) and stay away from Google. I'm praying that everything is ok with your little bean. (((hugs))) (sorry if this shows up multiple times...had a really hard time getting it to publish.)

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    1. It's hard to convince myself that what I'm thinking is just because of hormones and a fitful sleep! Brains shouldn't be this frustrating.

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  2. Isnt it weird, that once you get pregnant that your worries dont stop? I'm sending over positive engery and prayers to you this morning. May your worries be less and less as each day passes, and that your baby grows and grows!

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