Dread

Last night, I made the mistake of Googling miscarriages (or rather, how many days do people spot before a miscarriage). I had honorable intentions, I was hoping to see something that reassured me, but it backfired. I got too cocky; the last several times I've Googled it's been reassuring.

I tend to get my freak outs at night, right before bed. I think it's exacerbated by being tired. But I'm always just fine the next day. Except for this morning.

Last night, I dreamed (among other absurd things) that I discovered the spotting was turning red. The rest of my dreams were normal except for this pervading sense of dread. I kept checking on myself in the dream: do I feel pregnant still? I can't tell! Does that mean I'm having a miscarriage? And then this morning the dread has persisted.

Why do I do this to myself? I can review the conversations I've had with multiple doctors in my mind, the ones that said I shouldn't worry unless it's large amounts of blood and agonizing cramps. The danger of miscarriage is very very low now. See, here's the heartbeat, it sounds just fine, even though I was spotting before the Doppler. But I can refute all of those things in my head. And even the little logical part of me that's left, saying "you're being stupid. Wouldn't you rather be content? Quit overanalyzing and being dramatic" is getting the smackdown.

Friday is my next OB appointment. Hopefully I can keep myself from going nuts until then, and hopefully another Doppler will smooth all this stupid annoying dread.