Happy New Year!

I had a very enjoyable week last week, keeping mostly to myself and staying mostly in my pajamas. On Christmas night I slept for a whopping TWELVE hours. I don't nap much, even when victim of pregnancy sleepiness, but it's easy for me to go to bed early and wake up late.

These last several days have seen the beginning of round ligament pain. I've been getting little jabbing pains (that are mostly just uncomfortable) down close to my pubic bone. My friend who is 10 days further along than I am said that she thinks she's felt her baby moving, but I haven't felt anything like that yet. Other than that, these first couple weeks of the second trimester have been pretty uneventful. The spotting that I had stopped two weeks (almost to the day) after it started, which was a relief, and I find myself looking at my belly in the mirror every day, mentally measuring it.

This morning I made an appointment for our anatomy ultrasound! I kept telling people we'd not know until February, and in my brain it was mid-February, but it's on January 30th at 11am. As soon as I hung up with the imaging lab I got kind of giddy - I can't believe we're going to find out in a month! It'll be just another thing to make everything seem more real ('cause I still have to pinch myself every once in awhile). I'm kind of hoping for a girl, because it seems like a girl would be easier for me (and we have a name picked out), but of course we won't be disappointed either way. Boys are fun too.

It's New Year's Eve already. Traditionally on New Year's Day I start to feel energized and creative and motivated to work on projects - usually my little crochet business - but I'm not feeling like that this year. I'm pretty content knowing that I just need to continue to work on baking this little bun and looking forward to what will likely be one of the most challenging years and also most awesome ones of my life. I can't wait.

♥

Whatever you celebrate, however you celebrate it, and whoever you celebrate it with, may your holiday(s) be peaceful and cozy.

Pineapple Express

It has been pouring rain all day today. We had been planning on missing this Pineapple Express by driving to Cory's sister's house in Texas, but most of the family caught the flu a couple of days ago so we decided to play it safe for Grass-fed's sake and stay home. (We also didn't want them to have to host people when they felt icky!) So with five days until Christmas, our plans have totally changed and now I have things on my to-do list that should have been done weeks ago had we planned on staying here. I need to decorate, and plan a Christmas dinner, and get some presents for Dad and his wife, who are coming down to visit on Thursday.

I'm glad that it's been so gross outside, actually, After the hormone-fest of the last couple of days, and all the stress of being behind at work, it feels pretty nice to just putter around the house today. I've spent a lot of time mostly horizontal, punctuated by a shower and lunch-making (grilled cheese and tomato soup, of course - I mean, look at it out there!). I feel bad for the pup, who would rather be out playing fetch, but the kitties are quite happy to be cuddly and warm and lazy with me.

We may yet get a Christmas tree tonight, but that remains to be seen. Cory's napping and I'm really enjoying this bathrobe...

Happy Babby

OB appointments in the morning are the best. No waiting around!

I woke up this morning way happier than yesterday. It probably had something to do with me going to bed at 7:30 last night. I wasn't nervous at all; just happy to be going to see the doctor and hear the baby.

After a weigh-in and a blood pressure check, the doctor came in and talked to me a little about the spotting. She wasn't worried at all, even though it's been happening for two weeks. She also gave me some reading materials for mental and emotional health during pregnancy, 'cause Cory told her about yesterday's meltdown and how concerned he was about it. She told me to get some more exercise and rest, and not to worry too much about it unless it starts affecting work and personal relationships.

Then we got down to business: the Doppler! It took her a little while longer to find the heartbeat than last time, but eventually there it was. We heard a little static partway through, and the doctor said "that was movement!" I was happy to hear that - I hadn't seen any movement on any of our ultrasounds besides the heart flickering, so I'm happy to know it's squirming around in there.

Then I came to work and mistyped a message to my friend that it was a happy babby. But I like it, so it will be a babby for awhile. (Even though I'm not the first person to type it that way - Yahoo Answers denizens got there first!)

13 hours until the doc!

Tomorrow morning's OB appointment can't come soon enough. I shouldn't be counting on it to make me feel better, but there it is. Today was one of those hormonal moody days that I'd rather not repeat anytime soon. I hate that this blog has become a "let's complain about how I had another meltdown again" blog - but things are supposed to calm down in the 2nd trimester and I really hope that's true, for the sake of the blog. :)

I'll be back tomorrow with an update.

Dread

Last night, I made the mistake of Googling miscarriages (or rather, how many days do people spot before a miscarriage). I had honorable intentions, I was hoping to see something that reassured me, but it backfired. I got too cocky; the last several times I've Googled it's been reassuring.

I tend to get my freak outs at night, right before bed. I think it's exacerbated by being tired. But I'm always just fine the next day. Except for this morning.

Last night, I dreamed (among other absurd things) that I discovered the spotting was turning red. The rest of my dreams were normal except for this pervading sense of dread. I kept checking on myself in the dream: do I feel pregnant still? I can't tell! Does that mean I'm having a miscarriage? And then this morning the dread has persisted.

Why do I do this to myself? I can review the conversations I've had with multiple doctors in my mind, the ones that said I shouldn't worry unless it's large amounts of blood and agonizing cramps. The danger of miscarriage is very very low now. See, here's the heartbeat, it sounds just fine, even though I was spotting before the Doppler. But I can refute all of those things in my head. And even the little logical part of me that's left, saying "you're being stupid. Wouldn't you rather be content? Quit overanalyzing and being dramatic" is getting the smackdown.

Friday is my next OB appointment. Hopefully I can keep myself from going nuts until then, and hopefully another Doppler will smooth all this stupid annoying dread.

Bodies are Weird.

Still spotting. I'd almost rather have had just a big gush of it than a week of such light spotting. I still get teensy little "ack!" moments when I see that it's not finished yet, but at least I'm not super worried about it anymore.

I was thinking, though, how after all the reading I've done about what's going on in there, after all of the doctors and the gadgets and the drugs, it's still a really weird feeling to not know what's going on inside of my body but at the same time to be so keenly aware of the overall thing that's happening. I mean, it's not like I know what's going on when I get a phantom ache, but that's over in a second. For this, though - it's so strange to hear a separate heartbeat inside of me. And to not know what is going on, and to have to rely on external tools and symptoms (so far) to figure it out - and that things that should sound bad (like bleeding) can be common and OK. Weird stuff.

Blood Pressure Check-In

I was nervous this morning, even though logically I knew that everything was going to be OK. But I had a few little spells of nervousness wash over me this morning anyway.

We were called back (Cory tagged along because I was going to ask for a Doppler to ease my mind about the bleeding) and the nurse took my blood pressure. It was 112/60 - lovely! She couldn't do my Doppler, though, so she went away for a moment and came back to say that one of the midwives was going to come in since I'm only 12 weeks along, and show the triage nurse how to do it (she had never done it on patients under 17 weeks). She had me bend my legs, and the nurse asked her why she did it, and she explained that it tilts the uterus so that it's easier to find the heartbeat. Not that I've researched how to more easily find the heartbeat, but I was happy to know that I would have been able to answer the nurse correctly if she'd have asked me, heh. It took a moment (as it usually does with a Doppler) to find the heartbeat, but after a few seconds there it was. The midwife said it sounded around 150-155. Phew.

So everything is hunky-dory! And to top it all off, last night was my last dose of progesterone! Today is a good day.

Morning

I had a mini-freakout right before I fell asleep, which I could have predicted. For some reason, getting into bed at night I usually have hormone-y feelings that usually turn out to be of the sad or negative variety. So last night was in keeping with routine, even though I actually had a reason (sorta) to worry.

I checked for more bleeding with every middle-of-the-night bathroom break I took (of which there were more than usual) and checked again this morning and it's just a little light brown spotting now. Hopefully it will go away completely by the end of the day. My weekend activities were low-key anyway, so taking it easy will be a cinch.

Blood

About an hour ago I felt something I haven't felt in awhile, and so I ran off to the restroom to check - and sure enough, it was a little gush of bright red blood. I didn't have my OB's number with me at work, so I called the hospital's main number and asked to be connected. After a moment or two of confusion, I realized the switchboard gave me the wrong clinic's number, so I took a deep breath and went home.

At home I checked again and am now just spotting a little bit, but I called the doctor anyway. The on-call was someone I hadn't met yet, and he wasn't particularly helpful. "I'll check your blood type to see if you're RH- and if you are I'll call you back and tell you to get a shot. Otherwise, you're 12 weeks along so your miscarriage risk is low; though if you miscarriage there's nothing you can do about it. Call us back if the bleeding increases." Thanks, knowing there's nothing I can do about it is very comforting. I did tell him I was going in for a blood pressure check on Monday and asked if I could request a doppler check while I was there and he said of course. So I'll do that, just to make myself feel a little more confident.

I'm also reading the dreaded internet to see what people say. Of course there's the little risk of miscarriage sprinkled in the postings, but most people are saying they bled a bit and everything was fine. I don't have any cramping, though my uterus feels heavy and taut and I have a little twinging.

The doctor never called back (or at least hasn't yet and it's been 10 minutes) so I'm guessing I don't have the RH- issue. So I'm going to have some tea and lie on the couch and breathe a little.