Linus and I went to the beach today. I met my aunt and uncle and grandma in Lincoln City for fish & chips first. The spot was a little hole in the wall but the fish was really good - fresh and not overly oily. Usually when I get fish & chips in town, there's so much oil in the fish that it soaks through the breading and makes it impossible to eat easily. Yum.
Then I said goodbye to the family and Linus and I traveled down the coast highway, looking for a good place to play. We stopped at Gleneden Beach but the tide was up so high that we wouldn't have been able to get past the tiny cove that kids were playing in, so we moved on. We ended up at Agate Beach, where we've been several times.
I threw the ball for Linus and collected driftwood for a quick little sculpture to leave on the beach, and wrote things in the sand.
It felt good to be alone and reflective for a little while, with nothing to do but wander and feel the wind. I thought a lot about what we'll be going through this summer, trying again for a baby, and it made me simultaneously excited and sad. I keep excitedly thinking "this time it will work! It HAS to work!" and then I catch myself and think "protect yourself! Don't be optimistic because if it doesn't work, the crash will hurt more!" I know it's good to think positive, but it's scary too. I think about the day the clinic called with our first negative pregnancy test and how afterwards I stood in the stairwell at work, leaned up against the wall sobbing my eyes out, and I so desperately don't want that to happen again.
But the only way it won't happen again is if I don't try again. And we all know I'll be trying again. So in the meantime, I might as well think positive.
The beach makes my hair look amazing.