Friday, September 16, 2011

Babymaking: Nailed It

Two days.

Physically, everything is back to normal - my period arrived yesterday as if nothing has been happening the past six weeks, Sharpie rectangles on my backside which showed C where to stab me with progesterone needles are faded to almost nothing, the mark on my arm where the pregnancy test blood was taken is healing, my belly is back to its normal size.

Emotionally, I feel like the physical normalcy is nyah, nyah-ing at me. I superstitiously kept my Diva cup out during the 6 weeks of IVF, "just in case," even though I was sure I should just put it away for a year. Using it yesterday was sad. I don't feel like I'm grieving the way that I did the first day, but I still feel lonely, defeated, frustrated, and bitter. I wonder about the other lady who had a transfer on the same day as me. Did she get good news?

The people around me are mostly supportive. My coworker who'd gotten pregnant accidentally and took weeks before she could announce her pregnancy to anyone without crying - she hasn't said anything to me, even though I know the news spread like wildfire after we left work in a teary rush. I texted my sister yesterday and said "did you see that I wrote on Facebook that the test was negative?" and she replied "yes. I just didn't really know what to say." That was kind of hurtful. Most everyone else has been nice. I know it's hard and awkward to have to interact with someone who's hurting. I feel that way myself. So my rational brain forgives and forgets, but my lonely, defeated, frustrated and bitter brain wants to slap them. Even though I know that's wrong.

We have a follow-up telephone appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm going to tell him I want to do the frozen transfer right away. And really, the only reason I want to do it is that our financial package is for a fresh and a frozen cycle, and I want to get my money's worth. I'm not doing it because I think it's going to work. All of the optimism I had during IVF is completely gone; now I just want to get the FET over with.


  1. I didn't see the post on FB. I'm so sorry you went through all of the process without getting pregnant. I'm still holding out hope for you, but I understand if you feel the need to keep your defenses up. The roller coaster of wondering what-if is hard to ride.

  2. It really is hard to ride that roller coaster - if the price of the ticket wasn't so high, I feel like I'd have an easier time of it. (Eh, maybe not...) I figure it'll work or not work whether or not I'm optimistic about it, and once I'm back in the saddle I'll be a little more excited.