Baby Shower

My cousin's baby shower was yesterday. (She's the one who got pregnant the first time she tried.) We have family who comes to Oregon for Christmas so the day after Christmas was the perfect time.

When I found out when it was, months ago, I told C "if I'm not pregnant by the time the shower comes around I'm going to have a pretty crappy time!" But as it got closer, and even as I was getting dressed for the party, I thought "well, this isn't so bad."

Then I got in the car and everything went wrong. People were driving too slowly. I was late. The gas pump I pulled up to at the station was out of order. I yelled at random people from the privacy of my car for an hour as I crawled to my cousin's house.

It was fine for awhile, we ate and chatted. But then the presents started coming, and there were so many tiny outfits and tiny shoes and tiny bibs and tiny burp rags. And as she opened each one I felt worse and worse. I think I sat on the couch between my grandma and an aunt with my arms crossed the whole time. I didn't mean to. At one point Grandma leaned over and said "next time we do this it'll be for you!" which didn't make me feel the way she meant me to feel - I had to blink back tears.

I've felt about the same since then - any time I have a quiet moment I get sad. I feel bad being jealous, and of course it wasn't about the presents themselves, but every time I start feeling so sad about this infertility thing it's tinged with guilt for sounding like a jerk when I say anything to anyone about it.

On the plus side, I should be hearing back about the blood tests soon. And C's test too. We gave samples last Wednesday. I'm in the middle of the two-week wait, though, so the results can't come quickly enough. I just want them to say "yep, looks like you have an issue with x, so you won't be pregnant this month either!" and then I won't have to wait anymore.