Baby Shower

My cousin's baby shower was yesterday. (She's the one who got pregnant the first time she tried.) We have family who comes to Oregon for Christmas so the day after Christmas was the perfect time.

When I found out when it was, months ago, I told C "if I'm not pregnant by the time the shower comes around I'm going to have a pretty crappy time!" But as it got closer, and even as I was getting dressed for the party, I thought "well, this isn't so bad."

Then I got in the car and everything went wrong. People were driving too slowly. I was late. The gas pump I pulled up to at the station was out of order. I yelled at random people from the privacy of my car for an hour as I crawled to my cousin's house.

It was fine for awhile, we ate and chatted. But then the presents started coming, and there were so many tiny outfits and tiny shoes and tiny bibs and tiny burp rags. And as she opened each one I felt worse and worse. I think I sat on the couch between my grandma and an aunt with my arms crossed the whole time. I didn't mean to. At one point Grandma leaned over and said "next time we do this it'll be for you!" which didn't make me feel the way she meant me to feel - I had to blink back tears.

I've felt about the same since then - any time I have a quiet moment I get sad. I feel bad being jealous, and of course it wasn't about the presents themselves, but every time I start feeling so sad about this infertility thing it's tinged with guilt for sounding like a jerk when I say anything to anyone about it.

On the plus side, I should be hearing back about the blood tests soon. And C's test too. We gave samples last Wednesday. I'm in the middle of the two-week wait, though, so the results can't come quickly enough. I just want them to say "yep, looks like you have an issue with x, so you won't be pregnant this month either!" and then I won't have to wait anymore.

Just Relax!

Yesterday when my coworkers and I were taking our walk (we walk during our breaks, it's awesome), we chatted about my coworker's struggle for he and his wife to get pregnant. I was encouraged when I heard it took them a little over a year, and I told him it made me feel better that I'm not the only one who's tried unsuccessfully for months. My other coworker said "maybe it's because you are over-thinking it! Just stop charting and have sex when you feel like it!" I didn't really say anything at the time but I decided to instead refute that here, where she will never see it. :D

I use the Fertility Awareness Method, where I take my temperature every day and I chart it both in Excel for my records and at FertilityFriend so that I can share charts easily online. Luckily, I ovulate at almost exactly the same time every month (CD17), so I can plan the days to have sex with pretty good accuracy. We usually go every other day from CD13 to CD17. We can't do much more; we're historically once-a-month people, and by the end both of us are ready for a break. But we aren't still child-free due to bad timing. I feel like we've gotten pretty good at it.

CD1, Again

Here we are, back at CD1, better known as "you failed at one of the most basic biological acts for the tenth time in a row!"

For a long time, I've been pretty content to let nature take its course, being patient because maybe the Universe just had different timing than me and I'd get pregnant when I was supposed to. Yesterday all that went to shit and I decided it's ridiculous to keep trying without at least checking in with a doctor.

I think part of the problem was that my temperature spiked higher than it's ever been before, about three days ago. I was SURE that was a sign. Lack of other symptoms be damned, we were finally there. Well, lack of other symptoms except that I was dying of hot for a few days. But then the next day it went back down to the normal range, and fell a little more the next day, and then today I had to reluctantly dig out my Diva Cup.

I knew yesterday that it was not to be. Incidentally, my coworker announced yesterday that he and his wife were pregnant. I wasn't really all that upset, certainly not NEARLY as upset as when my cousin was successful after only one month of trying. That's a long story that I'm not going to get into here. But it was a good catalyst for my making an appointment at the Clinic to see a new OBGYN and see if I can have a fertility consult. They haven't gotten back to me yet but hopefully they can do a new patient visit, annual exam, fertility consult/screening and a sperm count all in one visit. I'm crossing my fingers.

It's very odd to be at this point. I was always under the impression that the women in our family got pregnant when you looked at us funny. I remember telling my friend Rini that I expected to get pregnant the first or second month. Hah.

Now to wait for the doctor to call me back, and to cheer up. It's not so bad, not having a baby right now. Kinda.

Whine

February: No dice.
March: No dice.
April: No dice.
May: Defective OPK made me miss the fertile part of the month. (So I'm not using them anymore.)
Today: No dice.

This is the first month that I've really been jealous of other mamas. And the first time I've dwelled on the stereotype that getting pregnant seems so easy for the people who don't want to get pregnant but so hard for the people who do.

I know it's only been five months. But still.