Saturday, June 13, 2015

Last Day of Yoga

Yesterday ended up being the last day of the term for prenatal yoga. For some reason I thought it ended next Friday, so I was a little surprised. There haven't really been any other regulars in the class; one lady came a little less than half the time and a lot of the sessions ended up being private (which was awesome).

Yesterday there was a drop-in - a woman whose brother was graduating today (I live in a college town) and she thought she'd drop in because she took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was positive.

I spent half of the meditation (without malice, just reflection) thinking about what that must be like - to take a test, be pregnant, and that's that. I looked back on my beginnings - I actually had a yoga class the night before our first blood test (and didn't take an at-home test because it wasn't as sensitive as the blood test) and spent half of the class crying quietly from the stress. We had three blood tests, none of which showed amazing doubling times. I bought a box of at-home tests and took them between the blood tests and the double lines were there, but faint. The first ultrasound showed a barely flickering heart, the baby still almost too small to see. I spent the next month (more than that, really) worried about chemical pregnancy, worried about miscarriage, worried about losing everything I laid on the line, not the least of which the thousands of dollars. And how lucky of this random woman I'm sharing a yoga studio with, to be able to take one test and think "well, that's that!" and start decorating the nursery.

I suppose we're never out of the trenches. If I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant again (which I doubt) the first month will be filled with the same worry. I envied her a little bit yesterday for the straightness and flatness of her path through fertility, but I rested my hand on the 39-week roundness of my belly and knew that what I have is such an incredible blessing that I have never taken for granted, and will always look at it with such awe and gratitude - and that's enough for me.

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