At our consultation, the RE confirmed what we thought - ICSI. He even told us that IUI, while cheaper, wouldn't be worth it to try before the ICSI. So we talked to the nurse about what to do and when, and we talked to the financial counselor about how much to pay, and I reminded myself all the while that even though I could start with my next cycle in two weeks, I didn't have to be so quick and it would be silly to impose a meaningless deadline on myself.
Turns out I don't listen to myself very well.
Last week, with the end of my cycle looming, I laid awake trying to figure out how I was going to get all of my ducks in a row before my next cycle. I furiously wrote notes and tried to come to terms with adjusting my spending habits and eating habits all in a week. And the deadline I told myself not to set was coming up, and I was so worried about missing it. I cried to C that I was nervous about missing the deadline even as I was annoyed at myself for setting it in the first place. It felt good to articulate what the problem was.
So then I slowed down, and filled out my Flexible Spending Plan application, and scheduled a day for myself to call Arc (a fertility financing company), and just let my next cycle come. And it felt much better, doing things at a normal pace and not stressing about making imaginary deadlines. This morning I called my primary doc about getting a prescription refill for blood pressure medication and was able to get in this afternoon. While I was with him I showed him my checklist of blood tests I needed pre-IVF, and he got the phlebotomist in right away and she took six vials of blood. We chatted while she did her thing, and I commented on how odd it sounded for my blood to hit the side of the vial - it sounded like dribbling.
Today is CD4, which means I have just under a month until we're starting this for real. And I feel good about it - the only time I really freaked out was the night before I filled out the FSA application. (The whole "use it or lose it" thing got me; it almost felt as big as the day we decided to start trying to conceive, long ago, only bigger since a decision like that doesn't usually cost $12,000.) Now I really feel ready!