Another Year

Been quiet lately, because nothing is happening. Nothing that is worth blogging about, anyway. The only baby-related things I live through are either vicarious or have to do with me writing a check to pay down our failed attempt. I sound sad but I'm not. Things are good. I'm kind of wistful sometimes, slightly offended here and there by little things, but on the whole I'm able to power through and just enjoy some more child-free time, just hoping to outrun the sad little alligator behind me with the ticking clock inside of it. So far so good. I feel like I'm running a little faster these days, too, because C got a promotion and a nice raise at work, and I feel more free to be able to pay down our debts and make that stretch of time until we can try again with the new clinic that much shorter. (Not THAT much shorter, but at least a bit.) Yesterday we got the final notice asking us to respond to OHSU about C's two vials of semen: do we want to have them destroyed, or pay $250 to keep them preserved for another year. Today, we got The Other Letter: the one about the embryos. I'll tell you one thing, we have already decided to let them go. I think I decided it way back in November when the second try failed. I just don't trust OHSU enough to try again with them; I'd feel like it was a waste of money and a waste of time. There is an option to donate the embryos to someone else who needs them, and I'm mostly happy with that option, but even though I don't trust OHSU enough to let them transfer the embryos into my womb, what if they transferred them into someone else's and it worked for them? That's hard to think about. It's selfish, I know. But I think I'm OK with that right now. So their final destination will most likely be research. I'll know more after I talk to C about it. And then the only tactile reminder of those two failures will be the writing of the monthly loan payment checks. Thank goodness for that. Onwards and upwards.