Christmas

Ivy's first Christmas was a three-day affair, and it's safe to say she's exhausted.

On Christmas eve, we left Cory home for some daddy alone time, and went to my grandma's house to visit with her, my aunt, Mom and stepdad. We were hoping to see more extended family as well, but their flight from the Bay Area arrived too late for us and we had to go home in time for bedtime. But before bedtime, we opened gifts from Cory's side of the family!



On Christmas day, the three of us packed up the car and headed to my aunt's house, and Ivy proceeded to get totally overstimulated and under-napped. I tried a few times to get her to sleep but she wasn't having it, for the most part. She also tried a lemon for the first time (it was slightly adorable but we didn't get the severe puckers we were hoping for - she liked it!) and some sweet peas.

Boxing Day was another full day. We left daddy at home again (now he's sick, the poor guy) and went back to my grandma's house so that Ivy could spend more time with her grandma before she had to go home (which is 3 hours away and over the very snowy mountains). We set up her favorite gift: a jumperoo! She had three long jumping sessions in that thing yesterday, and I'm looking forward to more time to get things done with both hands while she bounces. Naps were a little easier yesterday, but she was still so tired by the end of the day that she cried all the way home. (An emergency nursing session on a pitch-dark back road halfway home only helped until we started driving again.) I have a feeling today will be full of naps and quiet time.

I have to say, it's probably one of my favorite Christmases in recent memory, and it all has to do with my bunny. So grateful and happy and in love am I. Here's to many more happy Christmases.

SIX MONTHS

It's hard to find a couple of minutes to blog at this time of year.

Currently, my six-month-old(!) is lying on her tummy on her play gym, kicking her feet and getting frustrated because her toys are too far away and she forgets how to roll over and doesn't know yet how to move. And also it's 4:30am; she never wakes up this early but today was an exception apparently.

We took a quick trip up to Seattle over the weekend, to visit some of Cory's family. Ivy did fantastically well on the way up, our whole time there, and halfway back home - and then she was done. I call that a success! During our time there she was passed around to all kinds of people, and barely fussed at all, which I think was great, especially for a little one who is very clingy lately.

She also had a doctor's appointment on Friday - she weighs 14 pounds 2.5 ounces and I think I remember them saying she's 26.5 inches long. So she's something like 14th percentile for weight, 7th for head circumference, and 70th for height. We have a beanpole with a bean for a head.

Last week we also started eating purees! So far in her 4 or 5 meals she's had mostly bananas, but also some avocado and egg yolk. The first couple of times she gagged a bit but she's getting much better at it. She's super interested in grabbing everything at the table now; in fact I'm getting to the point where I'm not wanting to take her to any restaurants because she's not quite ready for a high chair (she can sit up pretty well by herself but it's such a toss-up on whether high chairs will be in good enough shape for her not to slide out of them) and it's getting less and less possible to eat with her on my lap.

Yesterday we spent a long day visiting family and friends, culminating with dinner with Ivy's very-very-close-in-age friend Henry and his family. It's always a treat to see them, not only because they're awesome but also because it's really fun to compare how Henry's doing with how Ivy's doing. His mama goes to baby groups so she sees other kids his age often, but it's rare for me. As always, it wasn't a long enough visit, but I'm sure as the kids get a little older and learn to play together our visits will lengthen. Last time they saw each other, they barely acknowledged each other, but this time they were looking at each other and grabbing ears and poking faces and it was fun to see them interact.

And now for Christmas festivities! Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and that the coming year gives you all kinds of happiness.

At Least for Now

Infertility sometimes feels (at its most basic and shallow, leaving out so much of the truth) like the longest line for the best ride. You stand in the scorching sun and the freezing rain, thinking you've come to the end but then there's a switchback, thinking the doorway you're passing through means the loading zone but surprise, there's awhile other section you couldn't see before; and now you can see the people on the ride going up the first big hill, and you can hear screams of delight from those further along, and you don't know if the sounds are just echoing off the walls or if you're really almost there.

And then, if you're lucky enough to make it to the end of the never-ending line, you are whisked off on the ride so fast that you start thinking wait, I wanted to enjoy the view from the top of the first hill; wait, couldn't that loop have been taller; wait, couldn't that tunnel have been longer. But you're at the mercy of Time, sitting in that little booth with all the buttons, and he's just a carny going through the motions, thinking about his next smoke break.

Last night I laid in bed while Ivy nursed to sleep and I stroked her head, feeling the same skin I felt as she was being born, though that night it was velvety and wet and I was blind with pain and not-having-met-her-yet and last night her hair was just a bit longer and her head felt so much bigger and I could see everything because of the Christmas lights in the window and because she is mine and we share the same soul, at least for now.

I spent last night a little teary, thinking about how fast we went from those long hours in the NICU and those long hours napping and nursing through maternity leave to almost CHRISTMAS. I remember looking up at the board that the neonatal nurses updated every day, looking at Ivy's updated age and weight, thinking "wow, she's a whole day old! Wow, she's a whole WEEK old!" and now here we are almost six months. It's going too fast, the days are slipping through my fingers. But I realized time can stand still in those dark nights when we lie in bed together, drowsy and getting heavy, no place to go, no deeds to do, no promises to keep. No screens, no clocks, no distractions, just the two of us, sharing the same soul, at least for now.

Five Months

Whoops. Ivy has been a (joyous) handful these past few weeks, and it's been hard to find time to sit down and type! Five months - the age I always said was my favorite baby age. She is getting such a personality, and is changing so fast. Here are some quick bullet points:

* She is reaching for everything and putting most of them in her mouth (or just yanking/pinching)
* She's starting to pay attention to the dog and cat - and reach for them too
* She's interested in us eating and drinking: follows cups and silverware with her eyes and tries to grab them out of our hands if she's close
* Every chance she gets, when she's on her back she tries so hard to sit up. As soon as she wakes up in the morning it's the first thing she does
* She's still not that interested in rolling over but really likes sitting - and she's starting to be able to sit unassisted (except for behind her) for short periods of time
* She's starting to enjoy peekaboo, and being (gently) thrown up in the air, and her little bouncer activity thing at day care

It's Thanksgiving week, which last night I started calling The Week of Three Mondays. On (the real) Monday, the car was icy in the morning and I couldn't find the scraper, so I was ten minutes late to work. On Tuesday, I forgot to take milk to day care with me and Ivy was completely out, so I had to drive all the way home to pick it up and all the way back to day care to drop it off; and I was an hour late to work. And then last night, my day care provider texted me to let me know that she had to rush to Philadelphia to visit her ailing father, and she couldn't watch Ivy today, so I had to take the day off. Not that I'm complaining about that - I have been really enjoying spending the day with her. Just like old times, when I was on maternity leave, but more fun 'cause she's a more interesting kid now.

A couple of days ago we dressed Ivy up in a Santa suit that Cory bought last Christmas when I was pregnant, and we took photos of her for our Christmas card. She was sort of cooperative. I'll show you next month. :)

Four Months

I am trying really hard to not say "HOW am I writing ANOTHER MONTHLY UPDATE?!" every time I write another monthly update. I don't think it's working so far.

So, FOUR MONTHS! Ivy is doing so well. She's super alert and tuned in to her surroundings lately, which is so much fun because I can show her all kinds of things. I have been taking her on walks down the street to a house that has a ton of Halloween decorations, including lights all over the house that flash to music. She has a good time watching those, especially the giant blow-up hearse that has sparkly lights in it.

Ivy's also working on her accuracy with her hands. I give her a toy and she's good at pulling it up to her mouth, and she practices switching hands and moving the toy around. She's pulling hard enough now to make the music play on her pull-toy on her play gym. She also wants to be sitting up ALWAYS. She is barely awake in the morning when she starts grimacing and lifting her head up off the bed, and lifts her feet up off the bed for longer periods of time.

Weekend napping still isn't great. A good nap for us is an hour. Part of the problem is that on the weekends we have things to do, so it's hard to get her to nap unless we happen to be in the car (which is fine, except that we don't schedule our traveling based on when she needs a nap). I'm hoping that eventually we'll be able to put her down twice or so during the day and have her actually sleep for a good chunk of time.

She's also learning to use her voice! It's fun to hear. She started using consonants (mostly G's) a few weeks ago, and is now practicing volume. In the car or in her crib, when I leave her to her own devices, she tends to start fussing but ending with talking. It makes it hard for me to figure out when it's time to go rescue her!

Smiling is happening way more than it used to, and so is tracking people's movements and turning her head when someone calls to her. Eye contact is happening for longer at a time. Rolling over from back to front isn't routine yet, even though she first did it so long ago. She has done it a few times since then but not recently and not lately (at least not at home). She does arch her back and push her butt up in the air a little bit with her feet, but that hasn't transferred yet into rolling over onto her back.

A bubbly tummy still seems to be her greatest nemesis. Just last night she half-woke-up several times with bubbles and woke me up every time. Burping tends to be easier now than it used to be; I'm sure that helps.

On Friday Ivy will enjoy some booster shots at the pediatrician. I'm not looking forward to it - I still remember in great detail her two-month shots, and the look on her face when she felt them. :( She had a quick appointment up in Portland with the surgeon last Thursday - she weighed 12 pounds 4 ounces, and they didn't measure her length but did comment on how tall she looked. Everything else looked just fine, and we don't have to go back there for another six months.

And now, to nurse!

One Year

Yesterday marked one year since Ivy and her tiny sibling-blasocyst were transferred from their deep-freeze tank, their home for the preceding five years, into my uterus. We said goodbye to two others that afternoon, who didn't survive the thaw. Five years earlier we'd said goodbye to four of them, and all our hopes were riding on these last two tiny possibilities.

I don't have tons of time to reminisce these days, but the weather reminds me. Dark and chilly in the mornings, like the mornings we got up at 4 to drive up to Portland for blood tests. Sunny and warm-but-not-hot, like the days I spent looking for signs from the universe or pregnancy symptoms on Google, like the lunchtimes we spent in the car at the park so we didn't have to see anyone while we waited for phone calls. Trees starting to turn color, like the ones outside the window of our tiny prep-and-recovery room, that I watched as I walked back and forth, waiting for my bladder to fill.

Those days and weeks feel like yesterday and also like ancient history. Sometimes my body suddenly relives the intense nervousness of waiting all day for The Call, the surge of adrenaline of being wheeled into the transfer room. I would have given anything to know, a year ago yesterday, where I'd end up in a year. Now that I do... it still catches me off guard, how incredible it feels.

We Survived the First Week!

Last Sunday night was pretty rough. I tried making myself into a cyclone of chores-completing to keep from melting into a puddle, and then I did anyway. It didn't help that Ivy was rolling over, and then was being the lovey-est chattiest baby ever. I couldn't bear it.

After I had my several good cries in, my nose kept running. Uh oh.

So Monday morning came, and we made the trek out to daycare. It takes half an hour to get there, as it's on the other side of the next town over. I went over the things in the diaper bag, handed off the frozen milk collected in the NICU, and nursed Ivy since we were early. I handed her off and practically ran outside to the car so I didn't have to cry in front of anyone.

Monday was actually not as hard as I thought it'd be, all things considered. Everyone was welcoming me back, and there was just enough work to keep me busy. I set up my pumping station in Cory's office (I work in a cubicle so I'm glad to be able to use his space). And then it was time to have lunch with Ivy.

I nursed while Cory ate lunch, and he cuddled her while I ate, and we watched the other kids play. I had hoped that Ivy would see me and be excited, but she was a little groggy so it wasn't a special reunion or anything. The lunch hour was over too soon, and we trudged back to work again for a few hours.

In the evening, we picked her up and brought her home, and it felt so good - but then I had to do diaper laundry and eat dinner and restock her diaper bag, and it was frustrating that my only three hours of time with her had to be shared with chores. I had also lost my voice - that runny nose was starting to progress into something worse. It was bedtime almost immediately (or so it seemed).

Monday night was rough too, but in a different way. Yes, I was emotional here and there, but I started getting chilly, and then freezing. I got up to find socks and a sweatshirt, and suffered my way through a fever for the next few hours. When it was finished, I took everything off again as I was all sweaty. Ivy slept through all of it, which is good.

Tuesday morning we rushed around like chickens with our heads cut off. We were trying to go off of mental checklists, and my fever meant I needed to take a shower, which I hadn't allotted any time for. But we made it.

The rest of the week was similar. Ivy napped like a champ there, though she hadn't done so for me. A couple of times I showed up to nurse at lunch and she'd just eaten, which made me super sad. One morning she fell asleep on the way there and didn't wake up when I dropped her off, so I couldn't say goodbye; that prompted some tears in the car. But my cold got better, my voice came back, and the week progressed. I actually even navigated negotiations for a new job (same company) that I interviewed for the previous week - that added a whole other layer of stress to this week. But now it is the weekend, two whole days of baby time!! And I fully intend not to squander them.