Reflection

Welcome to my obligatory New Year's Reflections post!

2013 was pretty quiet in terms of our infertility journey. After our IVF failures in 2011, I thought we were in for a grueling wait as we paid off both our IVF loan and our car, but here we are with just a few months left and it's gone by quite smoothly and happily, I dare say. 

Health!

I stopped running early in 2013 because it wasn't making me happy and I wasn't able to see any changes in my body because of it. Around the same time, I was reintroduced to yoga, which I obsessed about for a few months before I actually joined a yoga center. My primary doctor retired, which was the push I needed to easily move to a naturopath, and I had my first visit with her in May or so, about the same time that I started taking yoga classes. She gave me some healthy earring guidelines, which were things that I already knew, but that was totally Ok because at that point I feel like I was primed; and what I really needed was a catalyst to get me on my way. I have no idea what changed for me, but my mind was in the right place to stop making excuses and start making changes. So I changed my diet, I started yoga, and have lost about 35 pounds! I don't feel like I'm finished yet, but I also try to remember that this is a lifestyle change and not a race to lose weight, so I try to focus on doing what's healthy instead of what will get me results.

Travel!

We did a ton of travel this year too, more than usual. We spent a rather tense weekend up in the San Juan islands trying to relax, but some pretty crazy issues were happening at work so the relaxing thing was kind of a laugh as the work issues overshadowed the entire trip. Later In the spring, C and I went to Las Vegas to work our company's annual conference. It was a tough week too, ending with C having some kind of stomach flu and being in bed all day in our hotel room when I couldn't check on him. But we survived. :) Soon after that, my coworker and I attended a conference in Austin, Texas, where we visited UT and ate some really yummy food. And also learned lots of stuff. In July, with the work issues behind us (thank goodness) we celebrated our 10th anniversary with an extended road trip, visiting The black hills of South Dakota, Yellowstone, and places between. It was a fantastic trip, and it felt so good to reconnect with C. 

The fall and winter were busy too - in September we booked a last-minute trip to San Diego to see C's dad get married. The festivities were held at the Hotel Del on Coronado island, which was so lovely. The weather was fantastic too. And then our last hurrah for the year just ended a few days  ago: we spent Christmas at Disneyland! This was something we had wanted to do for years, but had never had the money or other things got in the way. The closest we got was about four years ago, when we purchased tickets to the park and then a few weeks before Christmas we hit a deer and had to spend our travel money on fixing the car (which was then totaled not six months after when I got rear-ended). We had three-day park hopper tickets, which resulted in us being completely Disneyed out, which was exactly what we wanted. Even the crowds seemed to be engineered for us: almost nobody there on our first morning in the park, and by the last day (Boxing Day) I got run over by strollers and the wait for the Dole Whip was 30 minutes long. We were happy to get out of there by then.

Other Fun Stuff, in No Particular Order

We did a lot of beer-related revelry this year. We are lucky enough to live in the northwest, where microbrews and local pubs are as plentiful as Starbucks. We went to a local craft beer picnic with friends and our visit was highlighted in the newspaper. We also powered through the Bend Ale Trail, where in order to win a prize we had to visit 12 breweries in central Oregon. Through some "creative" visits (i.e. Checking in without actually having any beer, shh) we made it through all 12 in one weekend. 

The annual Ladies Camp was a success, as usual. We went up to a lake with great intentions to swim and frolic in the water the whole time but it was too cold. We did a lot of hiking and cooking and eating and bonding, so the cooler weather was not a big deal at all. The best part of the weekend was a fantastic hike which ended just before a thunderstorm hit. Walking in the green light and wind and thunder was so cool.

My birthday coincided with conference this year. Coworkers surprised me with cake and champagne, and a bunch of us saw Love, the Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas, from the front row. Pretty awesome.

I spent a good amount of time on the coast, thanks to a fav coworker with a dog who likes it there too. I also spent tons of time geocaching, mostly in the wildlife preserve a mile away from my house. It's one of my favorite places and I love that it's so close. 

My best friend moved to Massachusetts. :( This does not really fall under Fun Stuff. I miss her.

Another not-fun item: my laptop has effectively died. I know what the problem is, and unfortunately it's beyond its warranty so it really needs to be replaced. As it was not expected, it means I'm stuck with my iPad as my primary piece of hardware, so I cannot edit vlogs. I'd recorded one several weeks ago but it more than likely will never make it to YouTube. Oh well, I guess this is the best time for me to take a vlogging break, as nothing is actually happening.

Once More Into the Breach

I make it a point not to make New Year's Resolutions. I like that other people do, but I know that the new year may not always be the time I'm most ready to make changes. (See the health section above, which technically started in April, and which I had no idea would happen at the beginning of the year.) I do like to think about what I think might happen, and what I hope will happen, though. More intention than resolve.

Of course, the most obvious: I hope that 2014 is the year that our infertility journey effectively ends. I'm sadder but wiser, and I think my choices in a clinic and my requests of a new RE will reflect that, hopefully with better results. 

I also intend to continue and strengthen my yoga practice and my more mindful eating. In fact, I want to be more mindful in general, and to step back from life often to make sure what I'm doing is worthwhile and making me happy.

Travel won't be as plentiful this year, though we are going to Nashville this spring for conference and I will likely attend a conference in Chicago as well. But I want to spend more time outdoors, even if it means sitting in the back yard.

Ok, that's enough blathering for one day. I hope your 2014 is everything you want it to be. <3

Halloween

I usually love Halloween, but I don't know what's wrong with me today. It might have been a combination of a headache and a couple of big fires to put out at work, but when my office lunch party rolled around and several coworkers came in bearing costumed kids, I sat quietly in the corner for awhile and then removed myself to C's office to lose my composure. I felt so stupid, since logically it's really not that big of a deal. But my emotional brain took over and I had to pour it all out to C. Halloween, my emotional brain suddenly realized, is just a fertility parade. The office party was a parade of little ones being passed from their parent to other kids' parents, each practically standing in line to hold the infant so they could "remember what it was like," and though I know I just wasn't assertive enough to take my turn, in my mind all the parents were being willfully selfish, not caring that the one who hasn't been able to "remember what it was like" would really just like to "see what it IS like." (See, I feel like such an idiot even typing this out, it's so silly!) And then at night, parent after parent comes to my house to show me how fertile they are. See, here is my cute kid, award him for my fertility. So I resolved to shut all the lights off and hide tonight. But then after a few hours when the party was done and the work fires were extinguished, my logical brain had the space to take over again and now I have to finish this blog post so I can light the jack'o'lanterns. This Halloween, the scariest thing I experienced was my dumb brain.

Climbing the Pomegranate Tree: #2

Recorded a quick little vlog last night.

Vlog!

OK, I finally did it! I went for a nice walk last night with the dog and thought it'd be a good evening to film our infertility history.


Let me know what you think!

One Step Forward

We are still paying off loans. Some days it feels like a neverending battle, and other days (most days, really) I'm happy to be where I am. 

Our tenth anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, and we celebrated by driving out to the Black Hills and looking at things along the way (and the way back). It was nice. I did a renaissance faire (have I talked about that here? I sing soprano for an elizabethan music group, and we do the Oregon faire circuit) and have another in September. Work is slowish but steady. And with the last check I sent to the IVF loan company, I took a look at the remaining vouchers and I have only ten left. So less than a year until we can start again!

I've been doing yoga for the past few months. I tried so hard to love running, and sometimes I felt like I did, but in the end I just couldn't do it anymore. Yoga feels more me, though I'm having the same problem sticking to more than my once-a-week class. It's hard when so many other things at home beg for a few minutes here and there.

I saw a naturopath in May. She did a blood workup (vitamin D deficient! Who else isn't surprised?) and gave me some pointers on nutrition. They were things I already knew, but I was primed to hear them this time, and I've lost 17 pounds since then. The yoga, and also having a standing desk at work, definitely help; but I'm sure most of it is because of the change in diet. It feels really nice to fit so much more easily into some of my clothes, instead of feeling like a stuffed sausage. Heh.

I'm pondering starting a vlog when things pick back up again with IVF. Do any of you have experience with vlogging? Do you watch infertility vlogs? 

Our Menagerie

We have a full house these days.

This is Linus. He's what a random guy at the beach last year called "the Shaq of golden retrievers." He's a month shy of 4 years old, and he's enormous. And acts like he's six months old and still weighs 20 pounds.

^ Case in point. ^

Trout is our old lady. She's going on 11. Just two weeks after Cory and I moved in together, my college friend brought her to us from her grandparent's farm. Her mama was a barn mouser. She's been a good girl to us for a long time and I hope she sticks around for a long time to come. She's slowing down a bit but she's still a weirdo, which means she fits in well at our house.

This is Dexter. He's the new guy. Not sure how old he is, but we think he's just about a year. He came to us through my sister, who works at a vet clinic. He came to her through the undercarriage of a car, where he held on for dear life while it drove 16 miles down the interstate. And he's none the worse for wear today (besides some tiny little scars on his pads where he was burned by the hot car). When we got him we called him Tiny, but now he's two pounds heavier than Trout. But we still call him Tiny.
He's going to be a blood donor. And it is super hard to take photos of black kittens.












Today I took our menagerie to the vet all by myself. (Work is still super busy for us, but C has it worse than I do so he went into the office while I took the two hours to fix everyone up.) We had a big list of things to do for all three. Linus has worms and a yeast infection in his ears. Trout has an upper respiratory infection. Dexter needs to be vaccinated. I was pretty sure I was going to have a heck of a time wrangling two cat carriers and a giant dog but it actually wasn't so bad. Trout puked and then peed in her carrier on the way there; I'm not sure if she was carsick or stressed or what but the poor thing had to stand awkwardly in there for half the car ride so she didn't have to touch any of her accidents. Linus weighs 99.3 pounds, which is way more than he should, so they took a blood sample to see if he has thyroid problems. Dexter was the only one who came away unscathed; I'm going to talk to the blood bank who wants his blood and see if they're going to vaccinate him for me instead.

The doctor offered to help me carry everything back out to the car, but I declined (it wasn't all that bad).  She said "it looks like if you ever have triplets, you'll be able to deal with them super easy!" Heh.

Yoga Too?

Lately my brain has been flitting from one idea to another. I think it's because today is Black Friday in my association; when I get to process thousands of dollars and hundreds of registrations to our annual conference. It's relatively brainless work, so my mind wanders. And lately it's been wandering around my health. I've been drawn to yoga this past week. Not sure why. It could have something to do with how busy and stressful work has been, which is reaching fever pitch as the time before launch shrinks. It could have to do with my general wanting-to-be-healthier feelings that ebb and flow (and right now are flowing). And then last weekend when I was playing around in Pinterest I clicked on a random pin and clicked through to the webpage and clicked on a random link - and ended up watching a keynote speech from the Fertility Planit show in LA.

Realistically, it didn't hold any magic solution or insight, and I don't believe it will cure our problem with infertility, but it did make me start thinking about yoga again as just a healthy lifestyle. I also had never heard of Tara Stiles, and I like her approach - and the fact that she has a million videos on YouTube so I can start slow with 5-10 minute flows. I think it would be easy to discount yoga for fertility as a crock, and not bother, but I can't make decisions based only on my uterus and not think about the rest of my self.

I did yoga several years ago, for almost a year, and it was great fun. But I only did my one-hour-once-a-week thing and the rest of my life was business as usual (so I guess the yoga center was like my church, and I was a bad parishioner). I didn't eat any differently, I didn't feel any differently... I was pretty proud about getting into a full downward dog though. But I realized at some point (probably after I stopped going to the studio) that once a week was not the way it needs to happen.

So I've started easing myself back into yoga, in my bedroom for 10 minutes a night. And hopefully in a few months, after work dies down, I'll be able to start going to the studio again.