Transfer is tomorrow.
I don't want to go. I feel like a little kid waiting for the wooden spoon to come down hard on my bare bottom; dreading it and wincing in advance of the pain. I don't want this to fail. If it does, that's it, no more chances for at least three years. There's so much riding on this transfer tomorrow and I've been so good about not caring up until now. Or at least pushing it out of my mind. But now I think about it (and I can't stop thinking about it) and just want to cry.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Transvaginal Ultrasound Wand, It's Been a While
Today C and I made the 90-minute trek up to the RE for a quick ultrasound to check out my uterine lining, and a quick blood draw to make sure I didn't ovulate. There were TWO babies in the waiting room, leading me to almost post to FB "two babies in the infertility waiting room: advertising, or inconsiderate?" (I didn't, though. And for the record, I didn't think it was inconsiderate, I could just see how someone else may have felt that way.) The ultrasound was the quickest I've ever had - probably about 30 seconds, tops. Lining looked good, OK, all done.
Next was the blood draw. Somewhere along the line someone decided that I don't do regular needles well, apparently, because the last several times I've been in there they've used a butterfly needle. I actually looked at it this time. (Usually I just look away, for no good reason, because they don't really freak me out that much but watching just doesn't sound like fun.)
And then we were done, and after picking up some very cheap progesterone (only $10 for 4 vials, with all the needles and the sharps container to boot!) we went back to a very busy office to await the nurse's call.
The phone rang late in the afternoon, which brought back sad memories, but the nurse was chipper. "Your progesterone was at 1.32, which is good, and you're all set to go! So decrease your estrace to 2 per day, and start your daily 2cc of progesterone tomorrow night." I asked about the level of progesterone doubling, which she said had to do with how my body is doing less work with the FET than it does with a fresh cycle, and needing more help. She also confirmed transfer day is November 4, and that they'd call the afternoon before with an appointment time.
After that we talked about the transfer itself. I have two vials that each have two day-6 embryos inside, and one vial of two day-5s. My doc had talked to me last month about how they were going to transfer two of the 6ers. But this morning during their team meeting (where they review everyone's protocols and talk about everything) the embryologist mentioned that the 5ers were in better shape than the 6ers. So the nurse asked for my consent to transfer the 5ers instead. It kind of worried me that the older ones looked worse than the younger ones - was that why the last cycle didn't work? Does that mean the 5ers will suffer the same fate, shriveling away after day 6? Only one way to find out.
Next was the blood draw. Somewhere along the line someone decided that I don't do regular needles well, apparently, because the last several times I've been in there they've used a butterfly needle. I actually looked at it this time. (Usually I just look away, for no good reason, because they don't really freak me out that much but watching just doesn't sound like fun.)
And then we were done, and after picking up some very cheap progesterone (only $10 for 4 vials, with all the needles and the sharps container to boot!) we went back to a very busy office to await the nurse's call.
The phone rang late in the afternoon, which brought back sad memories, but the nurse was chipper. "Your progesterone was at 1.32, which is good, and you're all set to go! So decrease your estrace to 2 per day, and start your daily 2cc of progesterone tomorrow night." I asked about the level of progesterone doubling, which she said had to do with how my body is doing less work with the FET than it does with a fresh cycle, and needing more help. She also confirmed transfer day is November 4, and that they'd call the afternoon before with an appointment time.
After that we talked about the transfer itself. I have two vials that each have two day-6 embryos inside, and one vial of two day-5s. My doc had talked to me last month about how they were going to transfer two of the 6ers. But this morning during their team meeting (where they review everyone's protocols and talk about everything) the embryologist mentioned that the 5ers were in better shape than the 6ers. So the nurse asked for my consent to transfer the 5ers instead. It kind of worried me that the older ones looked worse than the younger ones - was that why the last cycle didn't work? Does that mean the 5ers will suffer the same fate, shriveling away after day 6? Only one way to find out.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Back in the Saddle
I had a lovely break-cycle. I didn't think about IVF much, and C and I enjoyed ourselves.
But Friday it was back to business. I called the nurse to tell her it was time to start the FET cycle, and she gave me the new protocol:
Sunday, October 16th-20th: Estrogen 1x/day
October 21st-24th: Estrogen 2x/day
October 25th-28th: Estrogen 3x/day
Blood draw/ultrasound October 28th
If all looks good, estrogen 2x/day and 2cc progesterone starting October 29th, and the actual FET on November 4th.
Then a comedy of errors kicked off the weekend: because it was late in the afternoon on Friday, I asked the nurse twice to make sure she called my local pharmacy with the order right away because I wasn't sure if it was open on weekends. She assured me she was doing it right after the phone call, so after work I went straight to the pharmacy. The pharmacist hadn't gotten the order. So on Saturday morning (we had plans to go to Portland mid-morning) I called the pharmacy. They still hadn't gotten the order. I called the on-call doctor, who said she'd call it in. I waited for 45 minutes and called the pharmacy again (around 9:45). The audibly annoyed pharmacist still hadn't gotten the order, so she took my number and the doctor's number and told me she'd call me when it was ready.
Two hours later, I still hadn't heard from the pharmacy. I had an appointment in Portland in the late afternoon and I needed time to get up there, so I called the pharmacy again, intending to let them know I only had two more hours before I HAD to have the prescription, and they said the pills were ready. Upset that they'd never called me to let me know that, I ran to the pharmacy. "Oh, it's Megan!" the pharmacist said with a weird look when she gave me the estrogen. I thought that was odd until about ten minutes later, on our way out of town, when my phone suddenly beeped to let me know there was an incoming voice message. It was the pharmacy. They'd called at 9:55. And my phone hadn't gotten the message from the voice mail system until almost 1. No wonder the pharmacist talked to me like that - she thought I'd been nagging them because I was in a hurry and then didn't show up to the pharmacy for three hours after they'd hurried to get the prescription filled. Oops. Sorry, pharmacy. It wasn't my fault.
But Friday it was back to business. I called the nurse to tell her it was time to start the FET cycle, and she gave me the new protocol:
Sunday, October 16th-20th: Estrogen 1x/day
October 21st-24th: Estrogen 2x/day
October 25th-28th: Estrogen 3x/day
Blood draw/ultrasound October 28th
If all looks good, estrogen 2x/day and 2cc progesterone starting October 29th, and the actual FET on November 4th.
Then a comedy of errors kicked off the weekend: because it was late in the afternoon on Friday, I asked the nurse twice to make sure she called my local pharmacy with the order right away because I wasn't sure if it was open on weekends. She assured me she was doing it right after the phone call, so after work I went straight to the pharmacy. The pharmacist hadn't gotten the order. So on Saturday morning (we had plans to go to Portland mid-morning) I called the pharmacy. They still hadn't gotten the order. I called the on-call doctor, who said she'd call it in. I waited for 45 minutes and called the pharmacy again (around 9:45). The audibly annoyed pharmacist still hadn't gotten the order, so she took my number and the doctor's number and told me she'd call me when it was ready.
Two hours later, I still hadn't heard from the pharmacy. I had an appointment in Portland in the late afternoon and I needed time to get up there, so I called the pharmacy again, intending to let them know I only had two more hours before I HAD to have the prescription, and they said the pills were ready. Upset that they'd never called me to let me know that, I ran to the pharmacy. "Oh, it's Megan!" the pharmacist said with a weird look when she gave me the estrogen. I thought that was odd until about ten minutes later, on our way out of town, when my phone suddenly beeped to let me know there was an incoming voice message. It was the pharmacy. They'd called at 9:55. And my phone hadn't gotten the message from the voice mail system until almost 1. No wonder the pharmacist talked to me like that - she thought I'd been nagging them because I was in a hurry and then didn't show up to the pharmacy for three hours after they'd hurried to get the prescription filled. Oops. Sorry, pharmacy. It wasn't my fault.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
FET Time
I talked to the RE today over the phone about the next steps. Our conversation was kind of weird at first; I was on his speakerphone and I could hear him typing as he talked to me, and when he talked to me it was all stilted like he was thinking about something else. Then he abruptly had to hang up because he got an emergency page.
Five minutes later he called back and everything was much better - he was paying attention to what he was saying and he made more sense. He apologized for the IVF failure; he said he was very surprised based on how well the rest of the cycle went, and he was very optimistic for this FET. Then he had a lot of questions: do I want to take only estrogen pills or estrogen pills and Lupron? (5% of patients who take only estrogen ovulate, which means the FET must be canceled, but Lupron is an extra $600 and he doesn't usually recommend it. That was cool with me - only taking a pill and not having to make C poke me with Lupron needles - yay!) Do I want to thaw more if one of the two embryos they thaw die? (Yes!) If the second vial containing two embryos is thawed and both live, do I want him to transfer all three embryos? (Yes, if I have a better chance of success.) He told me to call with my next cycle (he likes to give patients a cycle between to kind of calm down, organ-wise) and we would get going again.
It ended up being a relatively quick phone call, but it was nice to feel like we're picking up and moving on. I'm still not sure exactly what I think about transferring three, even though part of me is still not optimistic about this second chance. I would hate to be thrown from the position of not-being-able-to-get-pregnant to the position of being-pregnant-with-too-many and having to decide what to do about it. But I also don't want to waste embryos, especially if that third popsicle was the one that was going to make me a mama.
Five minutes later he called back and everything was much better - he was paying attention to what he was saying and he made more sense. He apologized for the IVF failure; he said he was very surprised based on how well the rest of the cycle went, and he was very optimistic for this FET. Then he had a lot of questions: do I want to take only estrogen pills or estrogen pills and Lupron? (5% of patients who take only estrogen ovulate, which means the FET must be canceled, but Lupron is an extra $600 and he doesn't usually recommend it. That was cool with me - only taking a pill and not having to make C poke me with Lupron needles - yay!) Do I want to thaw more if one of the two embryos they thaw die? (Yes!) If the second vial containing two embryos is thawed and both live, do I want him to transfer all three embryos? (Yes, if I have a better chance of success.) He told me to call with my next cycle (he likes to give patients a cycle between to kind of calm down, organ-wise) and we would get going again.
It ended up being a relatively quick phone call, but it was nice to feel like we're picking up and moving on. I'm still not sure exactly what I think about transferring three, even though part of me is still not optimistic about this second chance. I would hate to be thrown from the position of not-being-able-to-get-pregnant to the position of being-pregnant-with-too-many and having to decide what to do about it. But I also don't want to waste embryos, especially if that third popsicle was the one that was going to make me a mama.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
On the Mend
I feel leaps and bounds better now. I think I scared some family members when they read my last couple of posts, and I guess I can see why - I was so optimistic, and so happy, and then when I crashed I crashed hard. Sorry about that.
I feel so lucky - I have such a great support system, and I'm so lucky. C and I have both gotten telephone calls and encouraging emails. My aunt called last night (we don't talk very often, so it was nice to hear from her) and she helped so much. And time helps too. Today I spent time with my grandma and I talked about future children again as if I was back in July, with hopefulness and happiness for the future. I allowed myself a few days to be bitter and unhappy and angry at the world, but I feel like I've officially picked myself back up to try again. Although this time I'm treading a little heavier; I feel like I'm not bursting in on this cycle singing and throwing flowers. I'm more tiptoeing and looking around suspiciously. But at least I'm moving forward.
I feel so lucky - I have such a great support system, and I'm so lucky. C and I have both gotten telephone calls and encouraging emails. My aunt called last night (we don't talk very often, so it was nice to hear from her) and she helped so much. And time helps too. Today I spent time with my grandma and I talked about future children again as if I was back in July, with hopefulness and happiness for the future. I allowed myself a few days to be bitter and unhappy and angry at the world, but I feel like I've officially picked myself back up to try again. Although this time I'm treading a little heavier; I feel like I'm not bursting in on this cycle singing and throwing flowers. I'm more tiptoeing and looking around suspiciously. But at least I'm moving forward.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Babymaking: Nailed It
Two days.
Physically, everything is back to normal - my period arrived yesterday as if nothing has been happening the past six weeks, Sharpie rectangles on my backside which showed C where to stab me with progesterone needles are faded to almost nothing, the mark on my arm where the pregnancy test blood was taken is healing, my belly is back to its normal size.
Emotionally, I feel like the physical normalcy is nyah, nyah-ing at me. I superstitiously kept my Diva cup out during the 6 weeks of IVF, "just in case," even though I was sure I should just put it away for a year. Using it yesterday was sad. I don't feel like I'm grieving the way that I did the first day, but I still feel lonely, defeated, frustrated, and bitter. I wonder about the other lady who had a transfer on the same day as me. Did she get good news?
The people around me are mostly supportive. My coworker who'd gotten pregnant accidentally and took weeks before she could announce her pregnancy to anyone without crying - she hasn't said anything to me, even though I know the news spread like wildfire after we left work in a teary rush. I texted my sister yesterday and said "did you see that I wrote on Facebook that the test was negative?" and she replied "yes. I just didn't really know what to say." That was kind of hurtful. Most everyone else has been nice. I know it's hard and awkward to have to interact with someone who's hurting. I feel that way myself. So my rational brain forgives and forgets, but my lonely, defeated, frustrated and bitter brain wants to slap them. Even though I know that's wrong.
We have a follow-up telephone appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm going to tell him I want to do the frozen transfer right away. And really, the only reason I want to do it is that our financial package is for a fresh and a frozen cycle, and I want to get my money's worth. I'm not doing it because I think it's going to work. All of the optimism I had during IVF is completely gone; now I just want to get the FET over with.
Physically, everything is back to normal - my period arrived yesterday as if nothing has been happening the past six weeks, Sharpie rectangles on my backside which showed C where to stab me with progesterone needles are faded to almost nothing, the mark on my arm where the pregnancy test blood was taken is healing, my belly is back to its normal size.
Emotionally, I feel like the physical normalcy is nyah, nyah-ing at me. I superstitiously kept my Diva cup out during the 6 weeks of IVF, "just in case," even though I was sure I should just put it away for a year. Using it yesterday was sad. I don't feel like I'm grieving the way that I did the first day, but I still feel lonely, defeated, frustrated, and bitter. I wonder about the other lady who had a transfer on the same day as me. Did she get good news?
The people around me are mostly supportive. My coworker who'd gotten pregnant accidentally and took weeks before she could announce her pregnancy to anyone without crying - she hasn't said anything to me, even though I know the news spread like wildfire after we left work in a teary rush. I texted my sister yesterday and said "did you see that I wrote on Facebook that the test was negative?" and she replied "yes. I just didn't really know what to say." That was kind of hurtful. Most everyone else has been nice. I know it's hard and awkward to have to interact with someone who's hurting. I feel that way myself. So my rational brain forgives and forgets, but my lonely, defeated, frustrated and bitter brain wants to slap them. Even though I know that's wrong.
We have a follow-up telephone appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm going to tell him I want to do the frozen transfer right away. And really, the only reason I want to do it is that our financial package is for a fresh and a frozen cycle, and I want to get my money's worth. I'm not doing it because I think it's going to work. All of the optimism I had during IVF is completely gone; now I just want to get the FET over with.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Negative
They were supposed to call me after 1:30. They didn't call me until 3. As the time ticked on I knew what my quiet phone meant. When it finally rang C and I dashed into the hallway to hide from coworkers.
"I'm so sorry I don't have better news..."
C got my purse and we left without a word. Home now, in bed, trying to think happy thoughts. I get to have a beer at Oktoberfest this weekend! I get to stop being poked in the rear with needles! I get to try this again (with frozen embryos) one more time before we have to take a 3-year break to pay off the IVF loan before we can try a third time!
But really I'm thinking mostly things like I don't know what went wrong and I feel broken and like I'm not meant to have kids; that I should stop trying because it won't work a second time if it didn't work the first time. That I have to have done something terrible in a past life and now I'm destined to be punished by having to watch everyone around me get pregnant accidentally and easily, and then ask if I want to hold their babies with my barren little arms.
"I'm so sorry I don't have better news..."
C got my purse and we left without a word. Home now, in bed, trying to think happy thoughts. I get to have a beer at Oktoberfest this weekend! I get to stop being poked in the rear with needles! I get to try this again (with frozen embryos) one more time before we have to take a 3-year break to pay off the IVF loan before we can try a third time!
But really I'm thinking mostly things like I don't know what went wrong and I feel broken and like I'm not meant to have kids; that I should stop trying because it won't work a second time if it didn't work the first time. That I have to have done something terrible in a past life and now I'm destined to be punished by having to watch everyone around me get pregnant accidentally and easily, and then ask if I want to hold their babies with my barren little arms.
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